


Whatever It Takes.

by Claretgirl16



Category: Holby City
Genre: Angst and Feels, F/F, Falling In Love, Fluff and Angst, Fluff and Smut, Romance
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-05-19
Updated: 2018-01-09
Packaged: 2018-11-02 14:59:37
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 17
Words: 33,259
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10946910
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Claretgirl16/pseuds/Claretgirl16
Summary: What might have happened had Bernie decided to go and find Alex after she'd last seen her at Holby, could they give it another try now they're both out of the army? Could Bernie overcome her fears and emotional barriers and fully give her and Alex a chance now they're were no constraints?(I just thought I'd try writing something a bit different, with slightly different pairings, but characters everyone knows. A spin/exploration on what might have been for Bernie and Alex. Be interested in your thoughts :) )





	1. Chapter 1

_"But I want all of you and I'm just not sure you're ready for that. When you've sorted your life out, come and find me"._  
Those immortal parting words.  
Words that had echoed around my head for the next few weeks after she'd left.  
Left the hospital.  
Ultimately left me.  
Left me stood there in that side room.  
Stood there looking at her back as it departed through the door.  
This door that then fully closed behind her.  
Then nothing.  
Silence.  
Then came the start of the divorce proceedings, or should that be divorce wars with Marcus, bastard.  
That had led to me being sat in the office, in the dark, having had a totally shit day and not knowing how it could possibly get or be any worse.  
"Why are all the lights off? Is everything ok?" Serena frowned as she walked into the dark office after surgery, wanting to collect her bag and coat and go home.  
No answer from Bernie at first, just a sideways glance to the brunette and then back to staring straight ahead, sighing to herself.  
Pulling her chair around to sit next to the blonde, Serena studied the other woman.  
"Is it to do with Alex?" the sudden hearing of this name causing Bernie to glance back to Serena, her hazel eyes that bit wider than before. "You can't fool me Wolfe. Other colleagues maybe but not me. The change in your mood, your demeanour, just you in general since she left, it's different".  
"Exactly she's left, gone, and who can blame her, far away from me, safest thing to do" looking down at her hands.  
"But you know where she's gone don't you?".  
Bernie shrugged.  
"What does it matter where she's gone, she did right to leave me, get away from me, move on".  
  
  
  
Serena shook her head, this bloody woman, so stubborn and self-deprecating in all aspects, yes Alex left due to what she must have seen as Bernie's indecision and the small matter of her still being married to Marcus, but now, now they were getting divorced, but still Bernie was sat here in the dark, seeming somewhat defeated, sad, low, heartbroken, lost, not the Bernie Holby knew and loved.  
"But you haven't, you haven't stopped thinking about her, you want to see her, you still want her".  
Saying nothing Bernie leaned forward on the desk putting her head in her hands, covering the anguish on her face.  
"Just stop" she mumbled through her hands.  
"Bernie, there's nothing wrong with feeling like this, did you manage to find out where she's gone to work?" watching Bernie nod.  
"And the divorce with Marcus is in its advanced stages?" again the blonde nodded. "So, you're single as is she, and you want her and she told you she wanted you too, just in slightly different circumstances, better ones for you both. And these better circumstances are happening, maybe she'd like to know this?" the trauma surgeon lifting her head up, revealing her glassy with tears eyes to Serena.  
"Like she'd be bothered, she's probably already caught someone else's eye and who could blame them, I lost her due to my own cowardice, the fact I'm a big coward and now look at me sat here, getting divorced and she's gone and it's all my own fault!" bringing a fist down onto the desk in upset and frustration.  
"No" grabbing the fist that was threatening to come down on the desk again, turning the blonde's chair so she had to look at Serena.  
"Listen, you know where she's working now, you're getting divorced, something you wanted and that was a major obstacle before to prevent you both going further, why don't you go and tell her this? You don't know anything of what she might say or how she might react unless you tell her, at least this way you'll know. I know if it was me I'd rather, even though I was scared, know the reaction and answer as opposed to not saying anything and never knowing of what might have been, what me and that other person could have been. Knowing is easier to live with than regret and not knowing, as we both know" this statement seeming to hit a nerve with the blonde, Bernie nodding her acceptance at Serena.  
  
  
  
"But what...what if she doesn't see me, doesn't want to see me or have anything to do with me..r..re...rejects me?".  
"That is always a possibility in life, but from the last exchange you said you both had I doubt this will be the case. She said she wanted you and loved you, just in different circumstances".  
Bernie sighed, a memory flashing across her mind at the last time she'd seen Alex, touched Alex's hand with her own, the softness, she could still remember it now, she'd never forget it, ever.  
This pep talk from the vascular surgeon, coupled with her own madness, or what she thought was madness, madness at finding herself stood in a corridor at St James's outside the emergency ward, peeking through the glass slat in the door watching the doctors and nurses moving around the ward, her eyes flicking between each body in scrubs looking for Alex.  
She'd sat in her car for at least 15 minutes, paused for the same amount of time when she'd gotten out of the lift on the floor she'd had written down on a scrap of paper in her pocket, checking for the hundredth time it was right, nerves bubbling like a witches cauldron in her stomach, this is something that also happens when you've not eaten much for the past few weeks Wolfe.  
What if she's not here?  
Or what if she is and sends me away.  
Rejects me.  
Tells me to go away.  
Then everyone in the ward will see and they'll laugh.  
I'll be humiliated in front of strangers.  
Be a laughing stock.  
What if she doesn't want me anymore?  
Has found someone else.  
Someone who she loves.  
Who makes her happy.  
Someone much better than me.  
Then what?  
With her head feeling like it was on a roundabout that she couldn't get off, Bernie pulled her hand away from the metal handle, turning on her heels to retreat back from where she'd come from, immediately crashing into someone coming into the ward.  
"Oh sorry I didn't mean.." cutting her own sentence off when she saw the person she'd bumped into.  
Alex.  
"Bernie? What are you doing here?" frowned the brunette, a mixture of confusion and surprise over her features, pretty features if you'd have asked Bernie, even in her haze of panic and upset she always loved looking at that face, always.  
"I erm...I came to find...well to see y..it doesn't matter, I shouldn't..." shaking her head at herself, suddenly losing her nerve when the woman in question was in front of her, moving to go past Alex and to the lift, a hand grabbing around her wrist stopping her.  
Looking down at Alex's hand around her wrist firmly, she looked back up to the green eyes of the anaesthetist.  
"I finish in five minutes, we could grab a coffee, talk if that's what you came here for?".  
Bernie silently nodded, her eyes focused on Alex's and then away shyly.  
"Give me five minutes, I'll meet you downstairs, ok?".  
"Ok" glancing back to the other woman, Alex gave her a nod and then released Bernie's wrist, swiping her card to let her back into the ward, after a few minutes the blonde trauma surgeon moved to the lift and rode it down to the ground floor, finding herself a seat near the main entrance and waited.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I'm glad yous liked the first chapter, I know it's something slightly different, but thought it would be a good thing to explore, I really appreciate all your comments and for reading, thank you! :)

Five minutes.  
That's what she said, that's a term everyone uses.  
Why is it though five minutes can feel like a life time.  
It can feel so long.  
As though you've been asked to wait hours.  
Days, months, years.  
Then the ping.  
The ping of the lift rousing Bernie from her thoughts and to the lift from which the noise came, the brunette stepping out in skinny jeans and a round neck jumper, canvas sneakers on her feet, a black and white bomber jacket over the top, bag across her body, eyes quickly finding Bernie.  
"Shall we?" she offered, Bernie getting to her feet and following her to the doors. "I walked this morning didn't come in my car".  
"It's alright I've my car".  
"A coffee at that place nearby, the one just around the corner before the town centre?".  
"Sure" Bernie nodded, both women walking to the trauma surgeons car and getting in, neither saying much on the journey, this being the same when they arrived and ordered their drinks, both taking a seat on one of the wooden table and chairs, there was the option of one of the comfier sofas that were free around the space, the walls covered in the 'wood' effect finish, lighting in strips above where the baristas worked but then it spread out and dimmed slightly when it was in the ceilings above the customers tables and seating area, but Alex thought it best not to get too comfortable in this kind of situation, considering she didn't actually know why Bernie had turned up in St James's in the first place.

 

Retrieving said drinks from the counter when the names were called, Alex retook her seat and took a sip from the white mug.  
"So...you wanted to talk?" breaking the silence now she'd a bit more saliva in her mouth.  
"Erm...yes...well I...I came to see you, to see well...if you were even working today, I wasn't sure you see" Bernie turn to wet her acrid mouth and throat.  
"Well you were right, I was working" Alex replied.  
"Yes" Bernie said, her eyes moving to the brown steaming liquid she was drinking, watching the steady stream of steam rising from the top of it, feeling the set of green eyes staring at her, waiting, wondering, wondering what she wanted to speak about.  
"And now you've found me your eyes and attention are on your coffee.." a slight irritated edge to Alex's tone.  
"No they're not, it's just...it's difficult for me to erm...".  
"Difficult for you...try being me, try having the woman you love still married and going back to her husband and leaving you, then you want her still when you turn up to do a shift at her hospital, but yet she's still married playing happy families and it hurts your heart so you have to leave because you want her to be true to herself and then maybe you'll have a chance with her, by god do you want that chance because you love her and you miss her..." the green eyes full of unshed tears, furiously wiping her cheeks as they escaped. "You still miss her even now, which is why this is too much" pushing her mug away and scrambling up off her chair, this time it was her chance to be stopped by Bernie grabbing her wrist.  
"P..Please...don't go, please?" Bernie said, her whisper and wide eyes a quiet plea to the woman in front of her. "Please Alex?".  
Swallowing hard, tear tracks on her cheeks, after a few minutes Alex lowered herself back into the chair, Bernie letting go of her wrist.  
"What....What happened between...between us, when I last saw you at Holby, the situation...it was.." taking a deep breath gathering her thoughts. "It was hard, made me realise even more that...that I was lying to myself as well as everyone else. That's why...that's why Marcus and I are in the middle of divorce proceedings".  
Alex's eyes regained Bernie's at the admission.  
"Really?".  
"Yes. I couldn't...I couldn't and didn't want to continue being married to him, lying to him and myself, to everyone, it wasn't right".  
"What are you doing now then?" she sniffed, her tears ceasing a little on sitting back down.  
"We're...we're getting through the money side of things, it's in the hands of our solicitors, I've told mine to sort it out, I just want it over and done with" another bigger gulp of coffee.

 

"And you yourself?" knowing she might not get an answer but not being help herself by asking.  
"Still at Holby, just getting through a day at a time, y'know" giving a shrug. "It's...it's hard..." choking slightly on the last word, Bernie Wolfe wasn't exactly the best at admitting to any sort of hint of struggle, stiff upper lip, big macho army medic and all the other English bluster she could think of, anything but admit to struggling.  
"Have you...have you met anyone?".  
Bernie's head shot up when the question hit her ears.  
"I have to ask Bern, come on you know I do because I don't know, I don't know what's happened since...since...since last time do I?".  
That was a fair point I suppose, I'd not had contact since the last time she was at Holby so she didn't know anything.  
Hence her asking.  
Probing.  
"No...no there's no one, there couldn't ever be someone like...like...like....you" hazel eyes darting to green then rapidly away, anywhere but on the woman in front of her.  
Alex couldn't help the half smile at Bernie's answer.  
Well that's one thing I'm glad about.  
If she'd have said yes I don't know how I'd have taken it.  
Especially the fact she came looking for me and then turned around saying she met someone else, that would've been weird.  
No, not weird heartbreaking.  
Too much to hear her say.  
One less thing to worry about.  
"You still like me then?" Alex said, watching hazel eyes look at her again, eyebrows raised.  
"You know I do...I've never...never stopped" fidgeting with her hands that were resting to the side of her mug, sudden panic at her admission making her go to get up, but Alex saw it, reaching to take hold of the trauma surgeons hands, no words needed as she brushed her thumbs calmingly over Bernie's knuckles.  
"It's alright" she murmured softly, Bernie looking at their hands together, just like those nights in the army, those nights they were curled up together, holding each other, fingers entwined, the safest Bernie could say she'd ever felt in her life.  
Alex always knew, knows how to calm me.  
Just the simple gesture of taking my hands she knows how to soothe me, she knows when I'm about to run, to panic and flee.  
Not even Marcus had a clue about that.  
No one in my life could do these things.  
No one until her.  
It's fucking scary knowing she knows this about me, scary but then not in another way.  
It's nice someone does.  
No one has took the time to know this.  
It's simple but means a lot.

 

"Do people know...about you being who you are?" Alex choosing her words carefully, still stroking Bernie's knuckles.  
Bernie gave a nod.  
"Yes, a nurse saw to that on the ward a good few weeks ago, so now everyone is aware of what happened between us, about me, but it's blown over now because it was a while ago".  
Alex studied the woman in front of her.  
The blonde, slightly awkward, shy, stiff upper lip army medic.  
The way her blonde curls stuck up in different directions around her face, messy curls, messy, soft curls.  
Bernie's curls.  
God I've missed those curls, that face, holding her, touching her skin, hearing her voice.  
"I...I've missed you" Alex whispered.  
These three words.  
Three simple words.  
Words that caused Bernie's eyes to become glassy on hearing them, swallowing hard.  
"Y..You have?" like she was surprised at the words.  
Alex nodded. "Of course, how could I not?".  
Bernie shrugged.  
"Because...I'm me, I'm a mess, hard work, stiff, awkward, not good at expressing emotions in any way, causing a nuisance in people's lives, wrecking friendships, hurting people, just all around a massive pain in the arse, better on my own, single, not that anyone would want to get involved with a disaster like me" pulling her hands in Alex's grip as she spoke trying to get free, but the brunette held firm.  
"Bernie, Bernie look at me?" but Bernie shook her head, eyes on the table.  
Alex squeezed her hands.  
"Bernie, look at me...please?" she repeated, even softer than a minute ago, saying nothing more as she watched the blonde sat across from her think about her request, the clogs turning in that clever mind of the trauma surgeon.  
Should I look?  
Look as she's asked or not?  
She wants me to look.  
Has asked me too.  
Slowly Bernie raised her eyes to look at Alex, green eyes looking back at her.  
"Do you actually believe no one wants you?" Alex asked.  
"Yes".

 

"What if someone did....that someone being me?" hazel eyes searching the brunette's face, as if her brain was taking in what Alex had just told her, processing the actual words, trying to believe them.  
"A..Are you being serious?" still not quite believing what had been said to her.  
Alex nodded at her.  
"Yeah, if you want to try it too, I'm not saying it's going to be plain sailing, might take a bit of time to rebuild things and get used to each other again, and then things after that, go slow if you like, but I want to try, but it's not just up to me obviously".  
Bernie took a few minutes to take in what she'd just been told, hazel eyes searching the face in front of her.  
"You wouldn't mind going slow?" she asked.  
"Course I wouldn't, you've just got to be honest with me, if things bother you then talk to me, tell me, that way I can help. You wouldn't mind what's the word....dating me?" watching a shy smile creep over the blonde's face, dipping her head at the remark.  
"No" she mumbled, lifting her head to peek at Alex, who was smiling at Bernie's shyness.  
"I'd like to date you too, if you'll have me?" Alex said.  
"Of...of course" Bernie whispered, giving a squeeze of Alex's fingers, widening the brunette's smile.


	3. Chapter 3

Standing outside the main doors to the bar Bernie nervously peeked in through one of the windows, her heart thumping.  
Was she actually here?  
Had she decided not to turn up?  
Stand me up?  
No she wouldn't do that, Alex isn't like that, not after what we talked about.  
Then she saw her, well a side view of the woman in question.  
A side view she'd know anywhere.  
Even though they'd been apart for quite a while she could still recognise that figure from a distance anywhere.  
A figure she'd spent quite a bit of time with.  
Spent secret nights with whilst thousands of miles away from home.  
Away from her children, her husband, wrapped up tight when they weren't being watched, observed, scrutinised, when they had a free moment.  
A free moment to just be.  
Be together.  
Be themselves.  
Alex.  
Skinny jeans and loose fitting t shirt, Chelsea boots, hair tucked around her ears, cradling a bottle of beer, taking a glance towards the main doors, not able to see Bernie looking at her though from her position, also the amount of people that were filtering into the bar, a normal amount given it was a Saturday night, the first weekend they'd both had off in quite a while it turned out.  
Smoothing her long sleeved slightly loose fitting navy blouse, a camisole top underneath, dark skinny jeans and flat biker boots, blonde curls framing her face, taking a deep breath she firmly gripped the metal handle of the door and pulled it towards her, the sounds of the bar and customers hitting her ears, all talking and laughing, some in groups, some couples, all dotted at the many tables scattered around the large bar.  
A wooden topped bar with stone plinth underneath, spot light shining on the floor from the stone part of the part, highlighting the bases of the half dozen wooden stools lining the bar, all but one taken, one next to Alex.  
The rest of the bar opened out to be an atmospheric mixture of spotlights in the ceiling, the odd light appearing from the walls, wooden tables and chair where people were eating and drinking, and comfy sofas in the part of the bar, to the left and right of the main entrance.

 

No too rowdy, just bustling like you'd expect on a Saturday night in a popular bar down one of the city centre side streets.  
Yes Alex you'd picked well.  
It's nice in here.  
I can cope being in here.  
Striding to the bar, Bernie kept her eyes on the woman she'd come here to join, that she'd agreed to join, seeing the brunette looked up and half turned to spot her as she approached, smiling and rising from her stool on seeing her.  
"Hey".  
"Hello" Bernie replied, the brunette unable it seemed to help herself wrap her arms around the blonde and hug her, feeling the trauma surgeon give her a little hug back.  
"Sorry I couldn't help it. Can I get you a drink?" pulling back to look at Bernie.  
"I'll have a glass of white wine please?".  
"Sure no worries, shall we sit at that table over there, might be more comfy?" motioning to one of the free comfy sofas with a table nestled in the corner.  
"Yeah that'd be good, I'll go and get it" being stopped from walking straight across from the bar by Alex grabbing her wrist and whispering in her ear. "You look gorgeous by the way" feeling Bernie shiver as her breath hit the blonde's ear, shyly dipping her head.  
With drinks on the table the two women got into some easy conversation, at first starting off about work, the easier one to start on and then how things had been going since they last saw each other, well the bits they'd not covered a few days ago, no point going there again.  
"It's nice in here, never been in here before".  
"It's had good reviews, good atmosphere and that sort of thing, I hoped you'd like it, thought it was an appropriate setting to meet up".  
"You chose well it's nice" Alex smiling next to her.  
"I've missed this" Alex offered quietly.  
"Hmm?".  
"This, seeing you, spending time with you, being near you" taking a sip from her fresh bottle of beer so Bernie didn't hearing her getting choked up as she spoke.

 

Bernie studied the other woman as she drank, the way she took a few sips more than before from her bottle after speaking, almost steadying herself.  
Alex steadying herself.  
Not something you see everyday.  
Rather rarely in fact.  
Such a stable and together woman most of the time.  
Bit like Bernie herself.  
Although Alex was more outwardly expressive.  
Much more outwardly expressive.  
Something Bernie admired in the other woman.  
"It's been....been strange not seeing you" Bernie admitted quietly, then it was her turn to sip from her glass.  
"Really?".  
The blonde nodded. "Yes really".  
"I wasn't...wasn't sure if...if you'd have found someone else, y'know, better than me" averting her eyes shyly to her hands.  
It wasn't just me that found it hard, she did too.  
She thought I might have moved on, found someone else.  
But someone better than her.  
I don't think so.  
She knows me.  
Who I am.  
The real me.  
Inside, deep inside.  
The inside, behind my shell.  
She knows what I'm like.  
How to talk to me.  
I couldn't replace her.

 

"How could I do that...you're you" Bernie replied trying to find the right words to convey the message, Alex's eyes meeting hers.  
The brunette shrugged. "I dunno, just might have, how do I know what might have gone on, what time might have...might have changed".  
"I wouldn't" Bernie mumbled, watching the brunette close the gap.  
"I...I really have missed you Bern" her eyes showing her honesty.  
Glancing around for anyone nearby who might be looking, although no one was, Bernie reached her hand across the gap between them on the sofa, the tips of her fingers touching the top of Alex's hand.  
Feeling Bernie's touch Alex leaned forward her head moving towards the blonde, flickering her eyes to the trauma surgeon's lips and eyes, doing this again, their lips millimetres apart, breath touching the others lips, so close together, but then Bernie pulled back, shaking her head, swallowing, this reaction made Alex also pull back swiftly widening the gap between them, her eyes also widening, her turn to swallow hard, silently getting to her feet and moving around the table, Bernie suddenly realising what was happening swiftly followed the brunette, pushing gently through the crowd that had gathered near the main doors, grabbing at Alex's forearm to stop her leaving the bar, not wanting to see her leave again.  
"Wait, please!?" her tone a more desperate one now given the situation she suddenly found herself in.  
"What for?! You clearly don't want to be near me or have me near enough to you for me to touch you or anything!" her pride hurt at being what she saw as being rejected from kissing or just getting near the blonde, any close kind of physical contact.  
"N...no it's not that, it's not" trying to find the words to explain. "Can...can we go somewhere else to talk, so I can explain, please Alex, please" her tone one of pleading, pleading with the brunette.  
"Ok fine, but this better be good" pulling the door to the bar open and stepping outside, both woman making their way to one of the quieter bars further down the road, stepping inside Bernie got them both a drink and they found a table in the corner where they could talk, Alex looking to the blonde when they'd sat down waiting for what she hoped would be a good and worthwhile explanation.  
"So?" Alex said, breaking the silence, her tone firm, taking a sip of her drink.  
"Yes...erm...what happened, I...I'm sorry. I just...I got a bit scared, freaked out a little..." licking her lips to moisturise them, a sip of her drink helping her mouth and throat. "I'm not...not used to...to showing affection, not used to receiving it either as you know, I just...I get awkward and don't know how to react, how to behave...or even what to do, it sounds pathetic seen as I'm a grown woman, but I just...I don't know what to do, even though I'd...I'd like to be able to do things like that, to be 'normal', feel 'normal'" sighing at what she thought was her own stupidity and inability to handle things and situations that others would find easy, her eyes to the rim of her glass, not able to have eye contact with the woman who sat across from her.  
"You are normal Bernie" Alex replied, sensing the shame coming off the other woman in waves, not even able to look up at her at the moment.  
She is normal, she's just not the most expressive or outwardly affectionate person.  
Something I hope can improve and grow in time with confidence and some tlc.  
Maybe I can help her to by just being with her.  
At least I hope so.  
"Sometimes.....sometimes I wonder I really do. I just, I'm sorry about what happened before, I'm sorry" hazel eyes looking up to meet Alex's, regret etched over her features.  
"It's ok, just...talk to me if you feel like this, or if you're struggling or about anything at all, just so I know" looking to the blonde's hand on the table and then at Bernie. "Can I?" asking permission before doing anything.  
Bernie nodded her permission, watching as the brunette's hand came across and linked their fingers, Alex gently squeezing them, causing Bernie to smile.


	4. Chapter 4

Right let's try this again.  
Seconds out round three.  
Let's see if this night is a bit more successful than the last time.  
Goes smoother than last time.  
That I can relax that bit more than last time.  
That'd be nice.  
Not just for me but for her too.  
"Hey".  
"Hi" Bernie smiled as the brunette approached the table and sat down.  
One of the local steakhouses that also Bernie noted served a range of local and international beers, something she knew Alex liked.  
The decor in the venue she'd chosen was light and airy, cream walls with a couple of pictures on, high cream ceilings with spotlights in, wooden tables and chairs sat on a wooden floor, the bar area flooring adopting a tiled floor, just like the pillars either side of the wooden topped bar were tiled with cream and navy tiles, blue smaller tiles lined the front of the bar under the lip, a couple of small spotlights making the blue shine that bit brighter. Atmosphere could be described as relaxed and friendly, small talk being made between the waiting staff and general happy talk between the customers in the space.  
"I erm...I got you a beer to start off with, thought you might like one" Bernie said, motioning to the bottle on the table. "Hope it's ok, there were that many I wasn't quite sure which to pick".  
"Thanks" Alex smiled, taking a sip and pausing for a couple of seconds before nodding. "Yeah it's nice, smooth taste, I like it, good choice" the affirmation she chose right causing the blonde to smile that bit more.

 

With their food chosen, the conversation started between them, seemingly that bit easier than the last time they'd been out together.  
"Alex...about...about the last time we were out, what happened. I am sorry it happened that way, it wasn't meant to be like that, hence me asking you out here now" trying to make sure the brunette understood what had happened and that the air definitely was clear between them.  
"Yeah I know that now, sorry for my reaction, I guess..it's just been so long since I've seen you and didn't know if I ever would again, if we'd ever get a chance again, or if something would stand in the way again and prevent it".  
"It was an understandable reaction, certainly given the circumstances".  
Clinking Alex's beer bottle and Bernie's wine glass, the food arrived, both woman settling into another comfortable silence, murmurs at the food being the only thing that could be heard, sharing different parts from their meals on each other's plates, commenting how good it all was.  
"I couldn't eat another bite" Alex chuckled, resting back in her chair puffing her cheeks, by god she was full.  
Bernie chuckled at the brunette's reaction.  
"You've not changed in regards to being able to eat then" she joked, her own plate empty too, that's another thing they had in common, being able to eat...a lot.  
In the army they both used to be able to shovel food away, the guys unable to help but chuckle as the pair of them managed to stuff their faces with so much more food than people would think.  
"That was nice, one of the best steaks I've ever eaten" Alex commented, drinking from her bottle.  
"Yeah it was, it's nice here" Bernie replied, drinking her wine, looking across at Alex.  
"It is, you picked well, good choice" Alex winked, the action causing the blonde's cheeks to show a hint of shyness.  
"Thank you" Bernie looking through her fringe at the brunette. "I'm glad you like where I chose, especially after last time.." reaching for her glass and coating her throat with the wine, trying to rid the lump there.  
"Bern" seeing the change of expression on the blonde's face. "Bern what is it, what's the matter?".  
The other woman sighed softly, not able to look Alex in the eyes, still holding her wine glass, her fingers tight around the stem, her brain fighting with itself to find the right words.  
"I just...I'm sorry about...about the other time" she managed to verbalise, another gulp of the wine in her glass to try and wet her throat so she didn't totally lose the power of speech.  
Alex studied the face in front of her, that face she didn't think she'd ever see again, the face she'd missed the minute she'd left the hospital that night.  
Bernie's face.  
A face that couldn't ever be replaced.  
Not to Alex anyway.  
Never to Alex.  
"I know you are, I know that you're still good at carrying unnecessary guilt on those shoulders of yours, no matter what it might be. But not this time, this is one thing you don't have to carry around, that's forgotten about, it's forgiven, it's a fresh start from here. We're here together enjoying nice food and what for me is the best company" the last bit of her sentence causing Bernie to look up and across the table to a smiling Alex, the smiling face of the brunette more than enough to rouse a smile out of the blonde, it seemed the only thing Alex had to do was smile at her and that did it, no words, just that face with a smile over it.  
"Ok" she nodded, clinking her wine glass to the outstretched arm of Alex clutching her beer bottle. "Cheers".

 

It'd been a couple of days since Alex had been on a date with Bernie, the both of them unable to arrange another due to working late at both hospitals, various emergencies resulting in quick fire text messages between them apologising for the lack of being able to make solid arrangements, one advantage being of dating someone who worked in the hospital was that they understood the unpredictable nature of the job, being called in at the last minute, or being forced to work an extra half or full shift due to whatever accident or emergency had taken place.  
It'd been nice to spend the night out with the blonde and have some one on one time with her, something Alex wasn't given the chance to do to the first time around, definitely not in the army, very much a no go area, talking was fine but anything else was a hell no. Sure they'd manage to snatch the few moments together now and again to be close, to hold each other, kiss each other, but anything else just wasn't possible, not given all the various circumstances. Now they weren't in the army yes they'd been having meals and dates here and there together, but still not having that physical, close contact, that close contact that Alex missed with the blonde.  
She understood that Bernie wanted to take things slow and that was fine and seemed the most appropriate was for them to both go, but it seemed like the more she tried to initiate the smallest of touches, be it to touch the blonde's hand, to put a hand on her back, to sit close or closer to her, to try and hug her during their time together or at the end of a date, the more Bernie didn't seem interested in that with her, didn't seem bothered or didn't seem like she wanted that kind of thing from the brunette. The more Alex tried and didn't get any sort of reaction back the more frustrated and upset she got, yes she was patient and didn't want to push her, but this being in limbo was hard. Did Bernie actually want to be close to her? Did she actually like her like that anymore?  
Walking into the ward of AAU, having been asked to go there at the end of her shift at St James's to help out with a rather large RTA that had happened on the motorway and resulted in the Holby AAU becoming swamped with patients and cases that needed a few extra pairs of hands, Alex thought it'd be a good chance to see the blonde that she'd not had chance to set eyes on this week, a smile on her face simply at the thought of seeing Bernie.  
Turning the left corner to the office, which one of the staff had been kind enough to show her to, Alex stopped dead where she was at the sound of talking, one of the voices obviously being Bernie's and the other she assumed had to be Serena's, the joint lead of the AAU that she'd heard Bernie talk about and who she'd met briefly before.  
Frowning to herself Alex stepped closer to the slightly ajar door, this frown deepening on seeing Bernie embracing the brunette before pulling apart and thanking Serena.

 

"Excuse me" Alex said clearing her throat and knocking on the door, both women looking and smiling at the brunette.  
"Hi Alex" said Bernie, this smile disappearing when she saw the look of hurt mixed with what was that...anger. "Alex what is it?".  
"You...you never do that with me" Alex started, an oblivious Serena next to Bernie.   
"Never do what with you?" Bernie frowned.  
"Hug me, I saw you hugging her just then after your talk or whatever the fuck discussion you were having, how come you can hug her but not me?!" the brunette's blood starting to boil up further now on starting to speak.  
"It's not like that Alex" Bernie started taking a step towards the other woman, but Alex stepped back, shaking her head, green eyes filling with tears.  
"It is like that, it is Bernie!" Serena trying to usher them both into the office, but based on the noise in the ward none of the patients and staff were aware of the argument currently going on and neither woman would move from where they were. "The amount of times I try to get close to you, to touch you even briefly for a second, for a moment and nothing, I want to hold you or have you hold me, something, anything that gives us that physical contact! But you don't do anything, don't seem to want me near you at all, yet now I come in here to help out and see this, you having that same thing I want, that I've been trying for the past couple of weeks to get, with Serena! I've tried since you first came back into my life to get close to you, to kiss you, to hug you, be near you, get that closeness to you, but nothing, it's like you don't even want me near you, that you don't find me attractive or like me that way anymore, that I'm not good enough to be close to you, that...that...that maybe you've just lost interest, but then with Serena you hug her just like that with not a bother and...and it hurts...it fucking hurts Bernie!" the tears well and truly cascading down her cheeks now, the idea of coming here and getting to see Bernie after a long, tiring and emotional shift at St James's the one thing that was keeping her going, was now the very thing overwhelming her and breaking that stiff upper lip reserve that she usually had. "I can't do this....not now, not again, I just...I just...I can't" covering her mouth with her hand to stifle another sob, turning and dashing out of the ward, leaving a shocked Bernie in her wake, the blonde surgeon silently turning to quickly look at Serena and then away down to the floor, her senses overloaded and shocked at the reaction of her army companion.


	5. Chapter 5

"I...I can't find her anywhere" Bernie started coming back into her and Serena's office sometime later. "I've looked all over" somewhat breathless.  
She'd been all over the hospital searching for the brunette not long after she ran out of the office, she'd been everywhere she'd thought Alex could be but nothing, her heart still hammering in her chest as she stood in the middle of the room rubbing her forehead with her fingers, the ring of tension tightening evermore around it.  
Where the hell could she have gone?  
She could be anywhere.  
And in that state it was actually possible she could've gone anywhere.  
Anywhere in that highly emotional, dare I say it angry state.  
I've never seen her like that before.  
Even in the pressure of the army days she was steady and composed.  
Alex the ever reliable woman.  
Someone with a calm head, a reliable head.  
Steady.  
The opposite of what I've just seen.  
"Well maybe because of how upset she clearly seemed, maybe, maybe she's gone to be on her own for a little while, gather herself as it were. Bernie what exactly has happened to cause her to react like that" watching the blonde surgeon sigh and then sit down in her chair, not able to look at her, a clear sign that she wasn't getting the full story from the woman in front of her. "I have a feeling that I'm not getting the entirety of the picture here, that maybe there are bits that have been omitted from what you've told me" bringing one of the visitors chairs beside Bernie's desk, watching the blonde go to get up, but she countered knowing exactly what she was doing. "No you don't, sit down and just talk to me Bernie".  
Sighing she sat down, knowing better than to try and hide anything from her best friend and not wanting to, the woman who knew the way she was, the tactics she used to try and sometimes dodge any uncomfortable subjects, usually the ones that involved some kind of emotions, or at least emotions she felt strange expressing and putting a voice too.  
"What...what do you think of what she said?" Bernie said, keeping her eyes forward as she asked Serena the question.  
"Well...she did seem rather upset from what I heard and somewhat angry and surprised at us hugging, or at least you hugging me. Has something happened between you, or has something not happened might be a better way of putting it?" hazel eyes half turning to look at her as she spoke. "Is that what this is about, the fact that not very much has happened between you both?".

 

Bernie sighed and rubbed the ever present tension in her forehead, this band of pain still not for moving.  
"She...she says I don't give her very much in the way of affection or that sort of thing, we might...we might have had a small argument the other night when we went out, she...she...she leant forward to kiss me in the pub and I...I pulled away suddenly, I had to go after her to stop her leaving" she replied looking to Serena, knowing she could tell the brunette anything even if it was hard.  
"Did she kiss you?" her eyes straight at Bernie as the blonde shook her head. "Is she right in what she said before about the hugging and affection?".  
Bernie sighed and said nothing for a few seconds, eventually making eye contact with Serena again.  
"Yeah I..I suppose she is".  
Serena sighed softly, trying to think of the best way she could vocalise her help and advice to her best friend, wanting it to be helpful as possible, wanting Bernie to keep talking and not close up.  
"Do you want to be with her like that anymore.." hazel eyes widening on the question just posed to her, confirming that she did. "I have to ask just to make sure, I thought you probably did but there's no harm in asking. It seems like she's dare I use the word desperate but in a good way to be close to you, if I was in her position I think I might react the same way if I was giving out or trying to give out signs and of affection and either seeing you pull away or not getting anything back, and before you jump down my throat it's not a dig at you, it's simply an opinion and a way to try and help you see things from Alex's point of view".  
"Yes I...I do, I...I...I've missed her, it was strange since she left, something was off, odd, not right, but I...I just brushed it off, it was easier, just got on with work and the divorce, well signing papers from the lawyer. Then I got her address for the hospital she worked at, found it out, then I saw her, spoke to her and we agree to try seeing each other, seeing how it'd go and now this, this mess" Bernie sighed.  
"Does Alex know you've missed her this much, I mean have you expressed it to her?" Serena asked, watching Bernie nod. "And the physical side of things, affection wise, have you done much of this with her" watching the blonde peek at her silently through her fringe, this being the answer without words.  
Serena raised her eyebrows lightly.   
"Well maybe this might the crux of the issues Alex is having at the moment, it seems that she'd like for you to actually, physically show her that you've missed her, that you want her this way, that you find her attractive. Even though Alex doesn't appear the needy type of person at all, she still needs affection like the rest of us do, needs that physical aspect of things from the person you want to be with, what do they say, actions speak louder than words".

 

I don't know Bernie, come on.  
I know you find it difficult to express yourself like this but if Alex makes an effort even though she must be nervous after all this time you need to do the same too.  
She'll be more than grateful if you do, and she'll respond in the best way possible.  
The woman just wants to know you want her this way, that you want to be close to her.  
"I just...it's...it's hard, I find that difficult, those public displays of affection, being affectionate like that, I feel...I feel awkward, like I'll do something wrong, something she might not like, or get something wrong, or something... I just.." sighing at her own frustration and upset looking to her hands, knowing she didn't want to lose Alex.  
"Bernie.." the blonde tilting her head to look at Serena. "From what I know and what you've told me about Alex, she doesn't seem the type to not make you aware of something she didn't like you doing, I'm sure she'd more than tell you if that was the case. You deserve to be happy and I think you can have this with Alex, she seems like she knows you well and would be prepared to be patient with you, with all due respect she's waited all this time for you, if she didn't want to be with you she'd have found someone else and got with them by now, but she hasn't, she's told you as much that there's no one else she wants, she wants you. All she wants is some physical affection, to be close to you physically, to know she's wanted, shown you want her, that you find her attractive, that you want to be close to her too. If she wants to hug you in public maybe you could try letting her, try letting her hold you in public, holding hands in public, little kisses, touches, things like that and you to her too, it doesn't have to be anything massive and over the top, less is more. She clearly only has eyes for you Bernie, you can tell that when she's been around you, and I can tell you want her, that she makes you happy, so let yourself be happy with her, don't lose her because you're scared, it's not worth a lifetime of unhappiness for that, you've had enough of that. Let her in, let her love you and you her" the brunette touching Bernie's clasped hands and giving her a soft, sympathetic smile.  
"But what...she won't speak to me, how do I even know where she is, she's vanished and left the hospital, I couldn't find her" Bernie replied, her past efforts to locate the brunette in the hospital before coming up empty.  
"Well..you have got a computer in front of you right now, and yes it's not the most ethical way of going about things but well....maybe that might hold a location of Alex for you?" raising her eyebrows to illustrate her point to Bernie.

 

"You mean...her address?".  
"That's exactly what I mean, a few clicks and you'd have an address, then you could maybe go around to Alex's and try to make this right, to show her what you want, that you want her eh?".  
She's right, I know she's right, I do find it hard to show affection and be open about my feelings, especially towards someone else.  
But in order to keep Alex, to be with her I have to try, to try and overcome my fear, to get better at actually showing her how I feel.  
I don't want to lose her, not at all, the opposite.  
But Serena's right that I will if I don't try.  
This I couldn't bear.  
I couldn't bear to lose her.  
I've got to try.  
Drawing up outside the house that Alex lived in, Bernie turned off the car and lights, sitting and just looking, looking at the chink of light in between the drawn curtains, the car parked on the driveway, knowing the woman she wanted to speak to was just the other side of the door.  
Taking a couple of deep breaths Bernie got out of the car and walked up to the front door, tapping softly, footsteps making their way down the hall after a couple of minutes, bracing herself when the door clicked open and Alex stood on the other side, hair fluffy from being freshly washed Bernie guessed, a vest and jogging bottoms showing off her slim figure, the blonde unable to help knowing the brunette wasn't wearing a bra, yes she shouldn't really be observing these things given the current circumstances but she couldn't help it, Alex was such an attractive woman, she'd always thought this.

 

"What are you doing here, how did you even know where I was?" Alex frowned deeply, totally surprised to see Bernie on her doorstep.  
"I just...I just...want..no I needed to see you, to put things right, to explain...again" knowing she'd already explained certain things the other night to the brunette, but needing to again in this circumstance.  
"What for, seems you made it clear tonight when you were hugging Serena, think that says it all" going to shut the door, being stopped by Bernie putting her hand on the door to stop her. "Get your hand out of the door Bernie".  
"I...I can't do that Alex" this only deepening the brunette's frown and confusion, this Bernie saw, knowing she held the answer to this confusion. "Not until, not until I've explained the hug with Serena and no it's not in that way, in a bad way, it's in a way I want to explain it to you, to help you understand about it and why I hugged her, to put things right with you. Please...just hear me out, then after I've said my piece I'll leave and you'll never have to see me again if that's what you want, I'll leave you alone, I promise" watching Alex study her face for a few seconds, sighing and moving to the side, opening the door, Bernie stepping into the house.  
Sitting in the darkened living room, being highlighted and lit from the muted but on TV, Bernie sat on the chair near the window, the brunette on the sofa next to said chair, Bernie looked across at Alex knowing she was waiting for an explanation.


	6. Chapter 6

"About...about what happened, what you saw with Serena, it was nothing more than a friendly hug between us. There would never be anything more than that, she's my best friend and that's it. I just...I know and can see now why you'd be upset by seeing this, because...because of how I behave or haven't behaved to you, I just...I find it, find it difficult to express this side of myself, I get...get scared, scared of the unknown I suppose, it's something I've never been used to physical affection, not from being a child and then to being an adult, receiving or giving it. So with someone like yourself who easily gives it and likes receiving it, I feel...I get scared, scared and awkward, scared of getting something wrong, doing something that you don't like, not doing something in the right way because I'm not used to it, but that's...that's my issue, it's nothing to do with you, it's not...it's not your fault" hazel eyes moving to her hands after looking straight at Alex, knowing she was guilty about what was currently happening, the situation, the mess, the disaster that they both found themselves in the middle of, something she'd want to be the last thing that happened between them both, the very last thing.  
"But you..you just.." Alex sighed, trying again. "It..it feels like it's something to do with me, when the woman you want pulls away, doesn't seem to want to touch you, be near you, or the same with when you try with her, it does make you think it's you, like I'm not enough, or that you're not attracted to me anymore, that I'm not attractive to you so you don't want to be near me anymore, or me be near you, it...it does get you to, even to someone like me who doesn't really have a problem with their self esteem in that sense, it effects me, makes my mind wonder, as well as upset and hurt me. I just...I just want to be close to you and for you to want to be like that with me Bernie" putting her head in her hands as she started weeping, shielding her face from the blonde trauma surgeon.  
Bernie's face contorted as she heard Alex's tears, clasping and unclasping her own hands at the sound, the feelings, the awkwardness, the hurt and pain etched across the brunette's features. The feelings that she herself had caused Alex to feel, for her to think were her fault, that she'd caused Bernie so much so that the blonde didn't want to be near her or want her anymore.

 

Unable to see or hear the scene in front of her anymore, the blonde was up onto her feet and across to the sofa, sitting down beside Alex, not even thinking as she wrapped her arms around her, the brunette shuffling to try to get out of her grasp.  
"D...Don't, don't do it just because you feel sorry for me, don't do it to pity me.." she mumbled through her sobs, this protest seeming to only strengthen Bernie's grip around her.  
"I'm not...I'd not do that, I'm doing it because I want to do it, I want to do it with and for you, I want to....I want to hold you" Bernie replied, and it was true she did want to, she wanted to hold the brunette, just like all those years ago away with the army, in their 'bubble'.  
Listening to the blonde's words and feeling the strong grip of arms around her, Alex allowed herself to lean into Bernie's arms, her hands grabbing for purchase on Bernie's t shirt, the material becoming slightly damp on the shoulder where Alex's tears were wetting it and her head was buried into it.  
This is what she wanted.  
This is all she wanted.  
All she wants.  
She wants to be held.  
Likes to be held.  
Held by me.  
I can't stand hearing her cry and seeing her so upset.  
It hurts to hear her like this.  
Especially if I've caused it.  
And when something so simple seems to help her.  
"It's...it's ok, I'm here...I'm sorry, I'm here" not sure if this was the right kind of thing to say in order to soothe Alex, having not had much experience of comforting crying middle aged women.  
Is this right for her?  
Is this what will soothe her?  
Make her feel better.  
Make her cease crying.  
I hope so.  
I hope it does something.  
I can't bare to hear her cry, let alone see it.  
Especially so when it's my fault.  
When I've caused it.  
I can bare it.  
I just can't.  
I have to try and soothe her somehow.

 

With a few rubs of her hand at the top of Alex's back, and a few more words of comfort, along with the grip of her arms not moving, the brunette started to calm, her cries becoming less severe, sniffles starting to replace them.  
"It's ok, I'm not going anywhere" Bernie reassured, her face resting onto the top of Alex's head, floral scents from the shampoo hitting Bernie's nose, I remember that scent, freshly washed hair when we'd curl up together on those nights, those night we had the opportunity to grab a quick wash, well wash isn't exactly the word that's appropriate, but it's near enough, especially when you're covered in battle grime.  
Sniffling softly Alex raised her head off Bernie's shoulder, red eyes looking to the blonde, wiping her nose, her breathing somewhat calmer than before.  
Cupping Alex's cheek, Bernie gazed at the brunette, hazel eyes flickering over her features and then down to her lips, doing this a second time before she leaned forward and gently touched their lips together, feeling Alex respond after a few seconds, the brunette automatically leaning into the kiss, her hands still holding onto Bernie's t shirt as they kissed, pulling back when she needed air, eyes looking at Bernie, Bernie looking back at her.  
"Y...You need to go.." Alex mumbled quietly. "This...this just doesn't fix everything, I need....I need all of you, I need more, to know I've got all of you" her face creasing and a few tears starting again as she said the words, wanting more than anything to have the entirety of the blonde, covering her face and getting up to move to the kitchen, it hurting still to be close to Bernie given the circumstances and how she felt, in limbo.  
I can't do it again.  
I can't just forget.  
I need proof.  
Actual proof and for her to show me that I have all of her.  
That she will give me all of her.  
I just want Bernie.  
But I want her to prove that I've got all of her.  
That's she's fully mine.  
That she wants to be fully mine and with me.  
I want her to fight for what she wants.  
Hopefully that's me like she says.  
I've seen her fighting for things in battle in the past.  
I want to see that again.  
But this time for it to be me, us that she's fighting for.  
Proving it too.  
I can't risk my heart until I'm sure.  
Until she shows me.

 

"Alex I..." Bernie started following the brunette. "I...I want you" looking at Alex's back as she now leaned against the counter top in the kitchen, not able to look at the blonde because of knowing what it'd do if she did, the effect it'd have on her, on both of them.  
"And you know I want you, but I need and want all of you Bernie, you need to go, please...please" the last please almost a plea, a plea to go before she broke down anymore, unable to look at Bernie, knowing she'd crumble if she did, the way she always did, always would where the trauma surgeon was concerned, ever since she'd clapped eyes on her in the army and gotten close to her it'd been this way and truth be known it always would be, always Bernie, always.  
If I turn around I'll crumble.  
If she touches me again I'll crumble.  
It hurts too much.  
Hurts knowing that she's that close but might be that far in other ways.  
Not knowing if I have all of her or not.  
If she's fully all for me.  
Emotionally as well as physically.  
I can't cope with the half Bernie being here.  
My heart can't cope with that again.  
It'd not survive it.  
I'd not survive it.  
I wouldn't want to.  
Not when she's all I've ever wanted.  
All those years together.  
Those feelings.  
It's her.  
All her.  
She's all I've ever wanted.  
All I'll ever want.  
But I want it all.  
All of her.

 

Bernie swallowed at Alex's words, her heart hurting at seeing the trembling figure in front of her, turning to leave, affording herself one last look at the back of the brunette before reluctantly exiting the room and then the house.  
She's hurting.  
She fighting.  
Fighting to hold it together.  
Knowing what she wants but not able to look at me.  
She'd fall apart if she did.  
I know what she wants from me.  
What she needs.  
She's got that wall up.  
A wall up to protect herself.  
Protect her heart.  
Protect it from any anguish or hurt it might get exposed to.  
And this wall isn't coming down until I help it.  
Aid in its destruction.  
Aid in proving to Alex that she has all of me.  
She always did.  
Hard work it seems is needed here.  
Fight time.  
Getting into her car, Bernie leaned forward, her head on the steering wheel, closing her eyes, a pain in her throat at the held back tears, the held back pain, the lump there screaming to be let out, selfish really when she herself was responsible, yet wanted a release from this pain and upset, how backwards does that actually sound.  
So messed up Wolfe, so messed up  
Her mind whirring with the last couple of hours events, trying to take it all in, make sense of it all.  
Her, Alex, the both of them.  
Alex being so upset.  
So not like the Alex she knew.  
The opposite of the Alex she knew.  
The Alex she wanted.  
Needed.  
And she did want her.  
As Alex had said about her.  
But she wanted all of Bernie.  
All of me.  
Everything I had to offer.  
Even the flaws, the facets, the awkward deep parts.  
She wants it all.  
Needs it all.  
Sighing to herself Bernie raised her head, letting herself look towards the house again, turning the key in the ignition and driving away, her heart heavy, her mind full, full to bursting on both accounts.


	7. Chapter 7

Three days, well three and a half nearly four.  
That's the amount of radio silence days that had happened between the two women since Bernie had visited Alex at her house.  
Nothing.  
No texts.  
No calls.  
No visits.  
Nothing.  
Nada.  
She'd decided to try and ring the brunette, but on the fifth time of getting a voicemail she'd given that side of things up and thought she'd opt for texting.  
Texting might gain more of a response than calling had.  
Taking a breath as her mind decided what to actually write in said text, Bernie paused her hands as they covered the keyboard, still deciding what to write.  
After a few more moments of deliberation she started to type.  
_Alex, please Alex speak to me, I need to know that you're ok, I need to speak to you. I can't leave it like this, I don't want to, I've never wanted to leave it like this, not with you. Please speak to me, can we meet up and talk some more or something, somewhere, anywhere, please? I miss you. B x_  
Sighing as she wrote those last three words.  
Three words she'd never said or sent directly to Alex before, even though she'd always felt them.  
Three words she'd now typed in a text message. Pausing again she swallowed and pressed the send button.  
It needed to be said and needed to be sent too.  
Regardless of if the blonde felt that bit nervous or uncomfortable sending it.  
It was true and honest so it had to go, had to be sent.  
"Everything ok?" Serena asked as she moved into the office having sorted her patients out for the moment, well until something else happened that caused her to be dragged back into the ward once again, but for now it was calm.  
Bernie scoffed at the comment.  
"I don't know if that's the right way of putting things, crap yes, messed up oh yes for sure, not hearing anything for nearly four days definitely" putting her phone in her scrub pocket, picking up an empty water bottle and forcefully throwing it at the bin, the bottle landing straight in there, even with frustration and upset she was a good shot, well she had to have some uses.  
  
  
  
"That bad hm?" the brunette replied sitting in her chair.  
"Yep, me being able to hug you easily but yet not able to hug her and express myself, and her seeing this being the bloody cause of this mess, this mess that is getting messier it seems in the fact that she hasn't answered any of my calls. So yeah, it's bad, bloody bad" she sighed, shaking her head and looking lazily over her computer screen, not really focusing on anything on there, just doing it to try and look busy.  
Serena looked up as her name was called from the ward, getting up off her chair moving to Bernie's side of the office, her hand on the blonde's shoulder.  
"I know you and know that you're a fighter, with all you've been through I definitely know this and this is one of those things that means a lot to you, the most in fact, keep fighting for her Bernie, it's obvious what you feel for her and her to you too, you both don't have feelings for this long for nothing, she makes you happy, you're different when she's around, your eyes light up when you speak about her, and you can tell what you mean to her. Don't give up on her just because it's hard, she wants you to prove to her what you feel, she wants you to fight for her. You know I'm always here for you, always, fight for her Bernie" she smiled softly, giving Bernie's shoulder a reassuring squeeze before she headed out onto the ward.  
Having been in theatre most of the morning over at St James's, it now nearly dinnertime, Alex moved into the staffroom, she needed a break, a drink, something just to relax, if even for a little while, retrieving her phone from her locker she opened the screen to see the missed calls from Bernie, a text message too, sighing to herself she sat at the table and opened the message, a lump forming in her throat as she read, eyes pooling with tears, tears she wasn't sure of, of why they had formed.  
Was it the fact Bernie had messaged her?  
Had rang her numerous times?  
Had asked if she was ok?  
That she wanted to speak to her.  
To see her.  
To talk to her.  
Or something she'd not expected.  
Something Bernie didn't say that often.  
That she missed her.  
Bernie missed Alex.  
She misses me.  
"Alex, Alex quick there's an emergency we need you in theatre now?!" the loud and clear voice rousing her from her thoughts as it came booming in the staffroom from one of the doctors, the brunette quickly swiping the tears from her eyes, replacing her phone in her locker and composing herself as she dashed out of the room to where she was needed.  
  
  
This is fucking ridiculous.  
I can't cope with the not knowing.  
The not actually seeing her.  
The waiting, the thinking, the wondering.  
It's no good, I need to see her.  
Need to go and actually see her myself.  
Like now.  
Quickly having a word with Serena and with the brunette kindly acknowledging the blonde's need to leave just before the end of her shift, she was lucky it was nearly the end, also that Serena was as understanding as she was, good job she knows you as well as she does Bernie, the blonde got into her car and raced, well drove fast but carefully, thanking god it was past rush hour, otherwise this would've been impossible and wouldn't have happened at all, over to St James's, only one woman on her mind, the only woman on her mind for years.  
Dashing through the main doors after parking her car in one of the free spaces tucked away in the car park, not bothering with the lift, Bernie took the stairs two at a time just wanting a chance to see Alex, a glimpse, a minute, something.  
Moving through the door when she reached the floor she guessed the brunette might be on, she quickly headed for the ward door, seeing a nurse just leaving the ward, striding over and taking the chance to slip into the ward, hazel eyes roving at all the scrub covered bodies, wanting to find the one she wanted, the one she knew her eyes would recognise in an instant, the body that she'd never not recognise. Then she found her. She'd know that face, body and voice anywhere.  
That body she liked the most.  
That face and body she couldn't not be drawn to.  
To look at.  
Alright stare sometimes, but could you blame me.  
Look at her.  
She's gorgeous.  
So gorgeous.  
And what a smile.  
Mmm that smile.  
Wolfe concentrate.  
Here.  
Here to see Alex.  
Try to make amends.  
Yes.  
  
  
  
"I'm going off shift now, but the other nurses are here to look after you, so if you need anything you give them a shout, or press your buzzer ok?" smiling at the old lady in the bed, turning on her heels to walk away, getting a couple of steps before she was stopped in her tracks, a figure not three feet away from her. "Bernie, what are you, you...you" glancing around and moving closer to the blonde suddenly here at the hospital in front of her.  
"What are you doing here?" she frowned.  
"I just...I, well I...." seeming to lose her voice and train of thought as she stood in front of Alex.  
Sighing at Bernie's faltering and aware of being stood in the earshot and eye shot of the patients and colleagues of the hospital she worked in, Alex moved forward, grabbing the blonde's wrist and leading her out of the ward, down the corridor and into the on call room, closing the door behind them.  
No way were we doing this there.  
Straight in the middle of the ward.  
All my colleagues and patients watching drama unfold.  
No. I don't think so.  
I've had enough bloody drama in my life.  
Especially where my personal life is concerned.  
Enough to last a lifetime.  
Some of which played out in Holby.  
No way are we doing round whatever it is here.  
No.  
Out of the ward we go.  
Away from prying eyes and listening ears thanks very much.  
"What are you doing here?" Alex asked, frowning at the blonde, wandering her eyes over her face for an answer.  
"I...I wanted..no needed, I needed to see you, to know you were ok, to know we're..we're ok. I...I want you Alex, I do, I...I...I miss you, please".  
  
  
Alex sighed at the obvious anguish on Bernie's face, but knowing what she wanted from the blonde, the two women standing close by, face to face.  
"And you know I want you too, but I need all of you, it's the only way I can do it, I can't do it any other way, I just can't Bernie" turning to the door, being stopped from leaving by Bernie grabbing her hand, Alex looking down at the touch and then up to the trauma surgeon.  
"Have dinner with me tomorrow night, please, let me take you out to dinner, just you and I, let me show you, let me show you I'm serious, please Alex?" not letting the brunette's hand go, not wanting to, needing some kind of physical connection and touch with Alex, something she'd missed since she'd last seen her. "Alex, please?" eyes widening in a silent plead to the brunette.  
Alex saw the look she had in her eye, a look she'd not seen there for a while, a long while, not since back in their army days, those in a bubble, just the two of them army days. She has come to work to see me, again.  
She's not run away.  
Not not spoken, or expressed herself.  
She's here, asking to take me out to dinner.  
Almost pleading for a chance to take me out.  
To show me how she feels.  
To actually show me.  
"Ok, ok fine, I'll have dinner with you tomorrow night" this answer visibly lessening the tension on the blonde's face, her eyes less wide. "Thank you" squeezing the hand she still held , her eyes on Alex, watching the brunette give her a little smile, this gesture causing Bernie to squeeze her hand again.  
Well that's another step forward.  
Now come on Bernie.  
Don't waste this.  
You can't waste this.  
You're not going to get many chances like this.  
If at all again.  
You've got to make it count.  
You've just got to.


	8. Chapter 8

Bernie Wolfe and nerves.  
Who'd have thought it.  
Not Bernie.  
Nerves at a date with the woman she wanted.  
Not exactly the best combination to have.  
Especially not helped when you'd got there that bit earlier than she.  
Wanting to be the first to arrive.  
To prepare.  
To calm yourself.  
Well as much as was possible given the circumstances.  
No Bernie come on, you've got to be calm.  
Calm and confident.  
She wants you to show her.  
Show and prove to her that you want her.  
Actually show her with your actions, not just words and this is just such an opportunity for you.  
For you to do just that.  
Come on Wolfe, shape yourself.

 

With a slightly trembling hand she took a sip from the glass of water on the table, something to aid calm her, un dry her mouth.  
She'd chosen one of the finer dining places in the city, somewhere she thought Alex would like, something expensive, expensive but tasteful.  
The main doors opened to reveal a wooden floored, beige walled restaurant, more narrow than wide, wooden tables and chairs spaced evenly up the length of the room, floor to ceiling windows, the bottom half frosted for that bit of privacy running also being dotted in between the space where the walls were not, the bar to the right, running alongside the open kitchen where customers were able to watch their food being prepared, the very back of the restaurant giving way to a small terrace overlooking the canal, big half crescent metal handles sitting halfway up said doors if you wanted to step out for a breath of fresh air, or dine on one of the tables out here. In the ceiling were small spotlight, positioned in such a way that diners and employees alike got just the right amount of light, mood lighting for diners, helpful and workable lighting for staff, the overall atmosphere being fed with soft music over the speakers in the four corners of the room.  
"Hey" Alex murmured softly coming to be stood next to the table where Bernie sat, the blonde getting to her feet as she saw her, a small smile being offered to the brunette.  
"Hi, thank you for coming, I erm..." leaning down to get something from under the table, straightening back up to reveal a bunch of red roses, a gold wrap around them. "I got you these" handing them over to the surprised brunette.  
"Oh erm...I...thank you" as she took the flowers, totally not expecting this gift from the blonde, having not gotten anything like this from Bernie before, thinking the trauma surgeon wasn't the type to buy or like flowers on any level. "They're lovely, thank you" Alex smiled, smelling the blooms as she sat down opposite Bernie.  
After browsing through the menus and ordering drinks, Alex mentioning how dear some of the dishes were, Bernie insisting she could have anything she wanted, because it was all on her, that she was the one who'd invited the brunette out for dinner, so it wasn't a problem what she wanted to eat, just to pick whatever she wanted.  
"Cheers" Bernie said, clinking glasses with Alex, the brunette smiling as she looked at her food, picking up her knife and fork, Bernie doing the same, both women starting to eat.  
"So...erm..you said about talking?" Alex mumbled softly, wanting the blonde to talk about what she wanted to and why she'd invited her out for dinner.  
Bernie peeked up from her plate.  
"Yes erm..I...well I know we've talked a bit before about it, I just...I wanted to..to make it clear again that I'm sorry, sorry for what happened that night when we went out, it..it was my doing, my fault, not yours, I don't...I don't want you thinking that it was because it wasn't, you didn't do anything wrong, the opposite in fact. It's me, this situation and how it's played out and is playing out a bit at the moment...it's me, but I...I want to stop it, stop it before it goes too far, that far that...that I...that I can't get it back" dipping her eyes to her plate, behind her fringe, the thought alone making her unable to look at Alex.  
"I want to you as well, because it is hard, hard to not be fully connected to you like that, don't get me wrong talking is important, very important and all well and good, but that physical connection, that touch, that literal action of being like that with the other person and having that returned, and returned with the same or at least nearly an equal amount of feelings and emotions as you, well that's important too, and I need that, I do need it, but I need it from you, no one else, just you" Alex replied, watching the woman across from her nod and then raise her eyes again to look over.

 

"I understand and I...I want to do this, I...I do, I know it's going to take time, but I...I do want to show you, actually show you" her eyes not moving from Alex's.  
Alex gave a little nod and they resumed eating, the topics moving from this to less intense and emotional ones, general work and news topics, both women getting smiles and laughs from the other, relaxing that bit more together, just like they always managed when they'd been together in the past, the chemistry between them both obvious to anyone who was around them.  
"Thank you very much" Bernie smiled at the waiter after she'd paid and then got to her feet, giving him a tip, Alex mirroring her actions, picking up her flowers as she did.  
"Thank you" Alex said as they headed for the doors after their meal, Bernie opening the door for the brunette to walk through."And thank you for dinner".  
"You're welcome, thank you for coming, I do appreciate you agreeing to come" her small smile conveying that she did appreciate Alex accepting her offer, when she wasn't actually sure if she would, a tiny part of her not blaming her if she'd turned her down, but that small part glad she didn't.  
Alex gave her a small smile back, her eyes looking down and then her head snapping back to look at Bernie as she felt the blonde slip her fingers between her own, linking their hands.  
"This ok?" Bernie asked, having taken the lead and held Alex's left hand, the brunette's other carrying her bouquet of roses, wanting to start trying to prove herself to Alex, Serena's words also in the back of her head about trying small gestures, small gestures that'd mean a lot to Alex and that Bernie actually might enjoy or start to enjoy herself too.  
"Y...Yeah, yeah it is" a smiling Alex nodded, tightening her fingers that little bit more around Bernie's.  
"Good. I thought maybe we could walk back to yours instead of getting a taxi, it's a nice night and we've no work tomorrow, no rush as it were".  
"That sounds like a good idea" both women starting to walk down the main street of the city, hand in hand, a comfortable silence between them, making their way through the streets, the conversation then starting again at different points, making small talk and enjoying each other's company.  
I like her idea of walking home together.  
It is a lovely night and no need to get a taxi.  
It's a bit of a walk but I don't mind that.  
It's not that bad at all.  
Especially when it's like this.  
When she's holding my hand.  
And I'm holding hers.  
When I'm with her.  
Just her and I.  
They'd been walking for at least half hour, the conversation comfortable, their hands not parting once, both liking the way their hands linked together, the ease of it. Making their way through the side streets about fifteen minutes or so from the brunettes house, Bernie was the one to break the nice silence that had recently befallen on them.

 

"Alex.." giving the other woman a chance to look to the side so she was looking at her, then she made her move, this move being pulling the brunette with her down a little alley way, the brunette with her back against the wall, releasing Alex's hand so she was able to put one hand on Alex's hip, the other at the back of her neck, pressing her lips and body flush against the other woman's, leaning into her as they kissed, smiling on feeling Alex's hands drop the flowers she held and cup her face and deepen their kiss, a murmur leaving the brunette's mouth. "I..I do..I do want you" she whispered against the kiss.  
Alex murmured again at the comment, her hands still on Bernie's face but now tangling in blonde curls, both women leaning into each other and the kiss, lips together as one, bodies pressing into each other, enjoying the closeness they were sharing.  
This is the kind of thing I want.  
The kind of thing I've been asking for.  
For her to take the lead.  
Her to actually show me.  
Physically show me.  
Show me that she wants me.  
That she finds me attractive.  
That that hasn't gone.  
She's not gone off me.  
That time apart hasn't done that to her in regards to me.  
Because it's certainly not changed my attraction to her.  
I don't think that's actually possible.  
Not with her.  
She's gorgeous.  
Blonde, gorgeous Bernie.  
Trying to get their breath back the women parted lips, eyes looking into the others, a smile starting over Alex's face, watching Bernie give her a smile back, fringe creeping over her eyes.  
"Well...I wasn't expecting that" Alex said, and she wasn't, not at all, it was maybe the last thing, besides the hand holding that she would've expected from the blonde.  
"I..I just wanted to, is that...is that ok?" Bernie said, wanting to make sure, even though Alex was smiling she still wanted to ask.  
Alex pecked a kiss to Bernie's lips.  
"Very ok" Alex replied, brushing the fringe out of Bernie's eyes, hazel orbs looking back at her, the first time since they'd been back in contact that the trauma surgeon had been this close, this near her, their faces this close together.  
"Good" Bernie smiled, a hidden sense of relief washing over her, being able to see the green in Alex's eyes, to look at them, be close enough to feel the brunette's breath against her face, her body heat radiating against her own, to feel Alex's hands on her, all these things she'd craved but tried to suppress, tell herself she didn't need them, had gotten over, gotten past, didn't warrant anymore, that she was past all of that history with the brunette, this couldn't be further from the truth, a truth that not even the master of bluff and hiding feelings Bernie Wolfe could deny.

 

"Maybe, maybe you'd like to come in for a coffee when we reach mine?" Alex started, seeing the look of surprise flash across Bernie's features, she probably didn't see that offer coming, bet she thought it'd be a case of thanks for dinner, see you later, end of story, but the brunette had had such a nice night and it was clear Bernie was trying even though she was a bit what's the word, tentative, yeah tentative that works, she was tentative but trying and you couldn't fault her efforts. Flowers, a little hand holding and a kiss in the same night, all orchestrated by Bernie Wolfe herself with no input from Alex, yeah that's definitely someone who's trying.  
After a few moments of registering Alex's offer Bernie gave a little nod, her fringe dropping back down in front of her eyes, still the shy Bernie was in there, and that Alex liked and wouldn't change, if she did then it wouldn't be Bernie.  
"Yes, I'd like that" peeking at Alex through her fringe, a little smile on her face, a smile that conveyed more than any words would at that moment.


	9. Chapter 9

Bloody hell.  
How many times?  
How many times do I have to say it?  
I've tried nicely to tell her and it's not working.  
After all it is Bernie Wolfe.  
Bernie Wolfe is a bit like I am in that way.  
We think we know best.  
That our way is best.  
Or that sometimes we're not doing anything wrong.  
That what we're doing is what people want.  
I know this is true for her.  
She's trying and going with what she thinks I want.  
And not fully engaging and listening to what I'm saying.  
Not hearing the actual words.  
Blood hell Wolfe.  
Yeah you're infuriating.  
Yes you can be a handful.  
But I know where it's coming from.  
From a good place.  
This behaviour I have to take some responsibility for.  
I did say I wanted her to be more emotional.  
Open up that bit more.  
Show me.  
But not too much.  
Trying too hard.  
A bit like now.

 

Hence this conversation that had changed into a bit of a heated exchange between them both, one Alex and Bernie didn't want.  
"But Bernie, you don't need too, not this much it's not needed" Alex replied to the blonde on the other end of the phone, on her break she'd decided to go outside to speak to the other woman, after all, you didn't want listening ears in the staff room or in the general hospital, private conversations are always the way, especially when they get a bit heated like this.  
This had all started when they'd been out again the other day for a coffee, Bernie had suddenly started well behaving not like herself, getting all in Alex's face, grabbing for her hand, trying to kiss her a few times, walking close by, so close she might has well been sitting on her knee, trying to touch her but not like Bernie would, not like Bernie did, how she did all those years ago in the army, all of these things not like Bernie at all, it was Bernie trying too hard, being someone she wasn't, not being natural in the way she did things, like she had the other night when they'd gone out to dinner.   
That was Bernie, that was her making the effort, wanting to be better, show her feelings better, make an effort in that way with the physical and emotional side of things between them both, just like Alex did but in her way, in her own slow and cautious way, something that seemed to be getting better and easier for her the more she did it, but nothing like she'd been behaving the other day, that just wasn't right and Alex didn't like it, not at all, because she wanted Bernie as Bernie was, just Bernie.  
"I just....I thought it was what you wanted, what you'd asked for when we spoke, me to be more physically affectionate towards you, to show you".  
"Yeah I did, but not like that, not like what you were doing, that wasn't you, it wasn't how you'd go about things, like you did the night we went out for dinner, now that was you, that was Bernie Wolfe. I just want you to be yourself, to be you, how you'd do things, not try to force it, to be someone you're not" Alex replied, rubbing her forehead as she spoke, it'd been a long day and she was ready to finish her shift and go home, go home and relax, this wasn't the kind of conversation she exactly wanted to have.  
"I...I'm sorry" Bernie mumbled quietly on the other end, her tone quiet and small, obviously embarrassed and upset by the fact she'd got it wrong and somehow upset the brunette.  
Alex sighed at the sound of the blonde.  
"Just...just come round after work ok, we can talk some more then" it'd be easier than doing it here, much easier.  
"O...Ok, I'll come round after work, I'll be done soon".  
"Ok, see you later" Alex replied, hanging up the call and putting her phone back in her scrub pocket as she headed back inside.  
Back at home having showered and pulled on her lounge pants and a t shirt, her feet bare, Alex rose from the sofa at the knock on the front door, opening it to reveal Bernie on the other side, the blonde dressed in jeans, a t shirt and her sneakers, peeking at Alex through her fringe.  
"Come in" moving to the side so Bernie could come in, motioning for her to go through to the lounge.

 

"I just..." both starting to speak at the same time, looking at each other.  
"After you" Alex tried again, offering Bernie a seat which she took on the sofa, Alex sat beside her, looking at her as she attempted to speak.  
"I'm sorry about what happened the other day, how I was, I just...I just want to be better than how I have been in the past, I...I'm trying, I really am, I suppose what I did was too much, that it wasn't good, wasn't appropriate or right, sorry" looking down at her clasped hands in her lap, Alex looking on at her and how she diverted her eyes.  
She is trying like she said she would I have to give her that.  
She was just trying a little bit too much on this occasion.  
Doing too much and not being herself.  
She just needs to be herself.  
That's all I want her to be.  
All I'll ever want.  
Look at her here apologising.  
Eyes on her hands.  
Awkward, cute Bernie.  
The real Bernie.  
The Bernie I know.  
The Bernie I fell in love with.  
A hand over her hands raised hazel eyes up to look at Alex, the brunette smiling at her.  
"It's ok, I can let you off seen as it's you and I know you're trying" this gaining a little smile back from Bernie. "Maybe you'd like to order some food to eat here together?" the smile on the blonde's face growing that little bit more at the suggestion and giving a little nod.  
Having decided what they were going to eat, placing their order and then Alex setting up the coffee table ready for their meal, she collected the food from the door when it was delivered, bringing it back into the living room and arranging the cartons on the table.  
"Well I hope you're hungry" Alex chuckled looking over all the food, this causing Bernie to chuckle back.  
"Like you have to ask that, you're as bad in that department as me" Bernie's reply causing Alex to laugh, the blonde did have a point, they could both eat so this food wouldn't last long between both of the hungry pair, not when they'd been running around at work all day.

 

Both happily eating their way through the food they'd ordered, spooning various mouthfuls of each other's onto the others plate for them to try and then commenting their thoughts of it, continuing to eat their food until they had clean plates, Alex clearing the dishes away into the kitchen, shouting through if Bernie would like some wine which the blonde accepted, coming back into the living room and placing the bottle on the table, handing Bernie a glass and then clinking glasses, both taking a sip at the same time and replacing their glasses on the table, Alex chuckling when she looked over at the woman next to her.  
"What?" Bernie frowned, not aware of what the brunette was laughing at, slipping her sneakers off onto the floor.  
"You've got...come here" leaning forward using the pad of her thumb to brush a stray drop of wine off Bernie's chin just under her bottom lip, her hand lingering as both women locked eyes, Alex searching the blonde's face, looking over her features, unable to resist leaning forward and connecting their lips, her hands gently cupping Bernie's cheeks, one of Bernie's hands holding the nape of Alex's neck, fingers tangled with brown hair, tongues moving together as they kissed, both murmuring softly.  
Inching herself back to lay lengthways on the sofa, Alex brought Bernie with her, her hands having now moved so that one was tangled in blonde curls, the other splayed out over Bernie's bum over her jeans, both women flush together as they kissed, Bernie's hands now the ones cupping Alex's face, liking the closeness of them both.  
Bodies moving together against the other with their deep kisses, just enjoying being able to do this together again, breathing turning into soft pants, hands roaming over each other's figures, retracing the paths they had come to know so well all those years ago, paths they were denied the full experience of due to personal circumstances, especially Bernie's, these paths now being fully opened to them, no barriers in their way, except for any that they may unwittingly create for themselves or any other obstacles that might befall them, neither woman bothered about anything at this present moment apart from how good it felt to have the other's lips and body against their own, the taste of it, the smell, the feel, all of it.  
Faces and lips flushed they parted a little to catch their breath and look at each other, eyes locked once again, studying the other as if they'd fully seen each other for the first time again.  
"Stay with me tonight, please?" Alex whispered to the woman above her, green eyes almost pleading with the blonde, wanting to keep her close to her tonight, they'd not been close since their army days and the last time she'd seen Bernie, that seeming like such a long, long time ago for Alex and now wanting to take her chance at maybe having Bernie stay with her.  
Bernie gave a little nod. "I'd like that" she whispered back, the answer bringing a little smile from the brunette.

 

A short while later after finishing the bottle of wine, both women made their way upstairs together, Bernie using Alex's en suite while the brunette stripped her clothes off apart from her knickers and replaced her t shirt with a vest top for bed, the blonde appearing from the bathroom in her knickers, less her jeans and bra, replacing her t shirt with one Alex had given her to wear to save her own one getting creased, the sight making Alex smile, her eyes wandering over Bernie.  
"Suits you" was the simple observation, the words bringing a smile from the blonde, peeking at Alex through her fringe, slipping under the duvet after the brunette, Alex quickly closing the gap between the both of them and curling into Bernie's side, the blonde slipping her arms around her and holding her close laying on her back, feeling Alex's head on her shoulder, a nose against her neck, this followed by a tremble and a noise from the woman in her arms causing her to frown and tilt her head down slightly.  
"Alex?" hearing faint what she thought were cries from the brunette. "What is it, what's the matter?" concern at what had upset her.  
"N..Nothing, nothing bad, I just....I just...I've missed you, missed this" she admitted into Bernie's neck, and it was true she had, she'd missed the feeling of Bernie's arms around her, the safety they gave her, the security, how right the world felt when the blonde held her close, how relaxed she felt, squeezing her arms around Bernie.  
"I've missed it too...it's not...it's not been the same without you" she whispered into Alex's hair, placing a kiss here and then resting her cheek against her hair, giving the brunette a squeeze of her own to emphasise her words, feeling able to express this since they were alone in this setting, just the two of them.  
"Don't leave me tonight or tomorrow, you said you're off as I am, stay with me, please?".  
"Of course I will" Bernie promised, not wanting to leave the brunette, they'd spent enough time over the last week or so trying to get some time together that she wasn't going to waste this window of opportunity. "I'm not going anywhere, I'll be here, I promise" kissing Alex's forehead tenderly, the promise seeming to calm Alex and cease her cries, settling back against Bernie, both women's eyes closing as they relaxed together for the first time in so long, a hand creeping up Bernie's t shirt and settling in the space of the curve of her waist, smiling to herself at this and at the feeling of Alex growing heavy in her arms, her breathing slowing, opening her eyes and looking down to see the brunette asleep.  
"I know things have been hard between us over the past few years, but I do want to be with you, I do want you, I've never stopped wanting you, I never could and I'll be here when you wake up, I promise I will, I...I...I love you Alex" giving the brunette's forehead another tender kiss before closing her eyes again and letting herself drift off to sleep with Alex curled up in her arms.


	10. Chapter 10

"Your face will stick like that if you're not careful you know" Serena offered coming to stand beside Bernie at the bar in Albie's whilst the blonde waited to be served.  
At first it'd seemed like a good idea to come out for a drink after work with the rest of the staff from AAU and inviting Alex too seen as she'd finished work at the same time and it'd not be too difficult to nip across town to the bar, it not being a million miles away.  
But then when they'd all got here, Alex arriving shortly after smiling at and hugging Bernie at the door, the blonde insisting on waiting for her here, knowing the rest of them would be practically running for the bar and a drink after shift so they'd be alone for a few minutes, smiles between the both of them letting them know that they were happy to see each other.  
Then entering Albie's and finding a table for them all, or a space for them at least had proven quite easy too, seems they'd gotten in at the right time, or so Bernie had thought, until she'd seen the looks, not bad looks, maybe bad looks would've been easier.  
But these were clearly attraction looks, looks from a couple of women in the bar to Alex, up and down Alex too, smiling over at the brunette, clearly they were attracted to her, who wouldn't be she was gorgeous, but this didn't make it any easier, didn't fan the flames of Bernie's what was that....jealously.  
Damn right it was jealously.  
"What is the matter eh and don't tell me nothing because I'll just tell you to stop talking shit" Serena said, Bernie turning to look at her and then over the other side of the bar to Alex who was sat on one of the sofas with the rest of some of the AAU staff laughing and joking with them, then back to Serena with a soft sigh.  
"People...well no, women keep...keep looking at her" Bernie mumbled.  
"Eh? Who Alex?" seeing Bernie nod her head. "Ok and...".  
"I don't...I don't like them looking at her, they keep staring at her and smiling at her, a few have done it quite a number of times tonight".  
"Don't tell me you're jealous Bernie" Serena teased, seeing the blonde immediately snap her head to look at her, frowning. "You're jealous".  
"No...no I'm not" her frown deepening that bit more, obviously lying, it written all over her face, as much as Bernie Wolfe tried she couldn't ever hide anything from Serena, even from the get go the brunette was able to read her like a book, enabling the vascular surgeon to quickly rubbish any comments or statements that Bernie said were true or untrue simply by looking at the blonde's face.  
"If you're going to lie then I'd tell your face to try and match what you're saying because it doesn't quite match up, and I don't think Alex would buy it either" Serena replied, raising her eyebrows at her best friend watching Bernie turn away and speak to the bar girl ordering the drinks for everyone, then looking back to Serena still with a glum and unhappy look on her face.  
"Ok...ok maybe, maybe I am jealous and so what if I am, I can't help it..."  
"But you can help it, you can very much help it Bernie" Serena gave back, Bernie might use the she can't help it line on other people but it didn't wash with the brunette, far from it in fact, the vascular surgeon seeing it as a bad excuse the blonde used instead of just admitting that it was due to her feelings for Alex.

 

Bernie sighed at Serena digging her heels in, frowning when she knew Serena was right, looking behind her and to the side at the women she'd seen eyeing up Alex and then across at the woman in question sat on the sofa, totally unaware or interested at the women who'd been looking at her, focused instead at talking and laughing with the other members of the AAU staff who'd come out for drinks, obviously getting along well with them, saying something that caused Fletch and Raf to laugh, causing Movern and Jasmine to do the same, all of them not interested except enjoying each other's company and getting to know one another a bit more, this even more so because she was someone who was obviously important to Bernie and these were Bernie's friends and colleagues.  
"Now that to me doesn't seem like someone who is remotely interested in the roving eyes of a couple of women in this bar" at this exact moment seeing Alex look directly over to them, the green eyed brunette's eyes immediately finding Bernie and give her a smile, having eyes only for the trauma surgeon, Serena easily being able to see how smitten Alex was with Bernie, knowing the feeling towards Alex from Bernie were exactly the same, even if the blonde was too stubborn to come out and admit things of this nature in public.  
"I think someone is looking for you and only you, she can't keep her eyes off you Bernie, even sat over there she's looking over here" Serena said seeing Bernie return the smile from Alex, watching Alex then turn back to the conversation at the table, her own attention moving back to her best friend as the blonde paid for the drinks. "You've no need to be jealous of other women looking, you should be proud they look and yet she's yours. Look Bernie, you want the woman and she clearly wants you, how about you show the women over here who are looking at her who's the one who has got her, show them that she's with you and that you're glad to be with her, maybe you should be the one instead of getting jealous you should be showing others that you're glad to be with her, not over worrying about other woman eh? There's clearly been a space left free next to her on the sofa she's sat on" raising her eyebrows lightly to emphasise her point before heading for the table, Bernie following with the tray of drinks not far behind her.  
"Here we go" setting the tray down on the table in the middle of everyone, all of them chirping in with thanks to Bernie for buying the round, the blonde moving around the back of one of the chairs and to the sofa, taking the space next to Alex, shuffling closer to the brunette and slipping an arm around the small of her back, resting a hand on her hip, Alex responding immediately and turning her body into Bernie's, cuddling into her, placing a hand on Bernie's nearest thigh and giving a gentle squeeze, keeping her hand resting here as she took a sip of her drink, the action and interaction of both women looking so natural and like they belonged.  
Picking up her own drink, Bernie took a sip her eyes glancing to Serena nearby, her best friend raising her eyebrows lightly and giving her a reassuring smile, letting her know it was fine, that it was the right thing for them to be doing, trying to help calm Bernie's nerves at being this open in front of friends and work colleagues, something the blonde hadn't done before, but wanting to do it, but with the right person, this right person being Alex.  
"Can I just say how cute you both look together" Movern offered to Bernie and Alex as the rest of them were all talking, having watched the two women together and wanting to say something, but not when it was quiet and everyone was watching, thinking both women might not want an audience and she herself not wanting to cause any kind of embarrassment to anyone, seeing Alex smiled, the brunette holding back from answering, wanting to see if Bernie would first, wanting to give her that opportunity.  
"Oh erm...erm...well...thank...thank you Movern" Bernie replied quietly, smiling shyly at the young Doctor through her fringe that had made its way over her eyes, Alex giving her thigh a little squeeze for reassurance.  
"Thanks Movern, she makes me happy" Alex smiled, wanting to say something but not too much, just enough to give Bernie's friend and colleague a snippet of how the trauma surgeon made her feel.  
Morvern smiled back at the brunette lifting her glass to Alex, turning back to talk to the rest of them, not seeing Alex lean close to Bernie's ear.  
"And you do" was the simple comment breathed into the blonde's ear, Bernie feeling a shiver up her back, momentarily closing her eyes.

 

A short while later Bernie was back at the bar, offering to go up and get the drinks with some money from Movern, well she needed the loo so made sense to go here and then to the bar when she was on her feet.  
Coming out of the toilet, she crossed to the bar, leaning on it as she waited to be served.  
"She's too good for you y'know" came the blunt comment that made Bernie frown and turn her head to see the woman who'd been eyeing Alex now next to her at the bar.  
"Excuse me?".  
"The brunette, the one on your arm, she's too good for you" the blonde's eyes not moving from Bernie's, the trauma surgeon swallowing lightly as the drunk woman leaned towards her face, her breath beginning to make Bernie's eyes water, glad of it really to mask the tears she'd felt start to well up at this woman's words, such simple comments could cut deep into the vulnerable part inside the outwardly robust trauma surgeon.  
"I...I think you need to go away from me" Bernie mumbled, attempting to move away from her, but the woman stepped with her, her body coming ever closer to Bernie's, this adding to the discomfort building in Bernie, yes she had close contact at work with patients but that was work, anything beside this and especially in intimidating situations such as this made her feel anxious and highly uncomfortable. "L...Leave...leave me alone".  
"I think you should get lost before I have to do it for you" Alex cut in, coming to stand at Bernie's side, a hand on the small of her back, feeling the trauma surgeon trembling.  
The drunk woman scoffed.  
"Nah you won't, you should leave this one and come home with me" she smiled and leered at the brunette.  
"And just why the hell would I do that eh, why would I go anywhere near you, let alone home with you when I have this beautiful woman right here" inching that bit closer to Bernie on speaking, her eyes locked on the drunk in front of her. "So I suggest you piss off right now, or as I said if you don't I'll have to do it for you, and I really don't want to have to do that, but if I have to believe me I will".  
And she would, Alex wasn't one for violence or aggression at all despite being in the army for years, but when it came to protecting those close to her, protecting and looking after Bernie, well she would do anything, anything for Bernie because well, it was Bernie and no one came close to the trauma surgeon in terms of someone meaning something to Alex and no one would hurt Bernie.  
No one has ever done this for me.  
Defended me.  
Stood up for me.  
Stepped in to protect me.  
Stepped in to tell someone else to get lost because I was theirs.  
They wanted me.  
And definitely not called me beautiful.  
No one except Alex had done this.  
Not even Marcus.  
Definitely not him from what I recall.  
He said a lot of things.  
A lot of nasty things.  
Horrible names.  
But nothing like she does.  
The opposite of what she does.  
Nothing like Alex.  
No one is like Alex.  
"Piss. Off" Alex warned bluntly seeing the woman risk a little inch towards Bernie, Alex spotting the flinch immediately, green eyes glaring at the other woman, her tone leaving the woman in no doubt that she meant business and wasn't in the mood for any messing around, regardless of her being drunk.  
Grumbling something to herself the woman looked at both women and then retreated, making her way back towards her drink and then deciding to leave the bar, swaying her way drunkenly to and then out of the main doors.  
Her attention then was back to Bernie, catching a hint of something in her hazel eyes, what was that glassy look, could it be a teary look?

 

"Hey...it's ok she's gone, I wouldn't have let her hurt you and for the record no one has any kind of chance with me, not when I've got everything I want in you, I meant what I said, you're beautiful" Alex whispered, trying to reassure Bernie, gently rubbing the blonde's lower back feeling the tension Bernie still held, the watery hazel eyes. "It's ok" she murmured, watching Bernie quickly glanced around them at something she didn't even know herself, moving them to the end of the bar and into the corner, before she buried her face gently into Alex's neck, closing her eyes as she felt a light wetness of tears on her cheeks, something she'd been trying to hold in but that had still surprised her when they fell, not usually something she did a lot of and definitely not in front of people and these people being her friends and colleagues in public, but something about being around Alex made it slightly different that it had happened.  
A quiet hitch of her breath upon feeling Alex's arms fully around her, holding her body close against her own, her hand regaining its position on Bernie's back to run it soothingly and comfortingly up and down, knowing and feeling that the trauma surgeon was upset in her arms, but knowing that she didn't have to say anything much if at all, that that wasn't what Bernie would need right now, this is what she needed, to be held close and soothed.  
"I'm right here" she whispered into Bernie's ear and felt Bernie respond by cuddling closer, the feel of her chest not rising and falling as fast against Alex's letting the brunette know that Bernie was relaxing that bit more in her embrace, that she wasn't crying as hard as at the beginning, placing a gentle kiss on the blonde's temple and giving her a gentle squeeze.  
Bernie wasn't one at all for crying.  
Not at all.  
Alex could probably say she was one of the only people to see Bernie break down.  
If not the only person in the army.  
Bernie Wolfe didn't cry .  
She was strong and resilient.  
Some who witnessed it might say cold.  
But Alex didn't agree.  
Alex knew better.  
She'd seen it with her own eyes.  
She'd cradled Bernie in that camp bed when the tears came.  
Tears that at first didn't appear like they'd stop.  
But they did.  
Alex knew they would.  
All it took was patience.  
Patience and knowing how to handle her.  
She didn't like attention drawn to the fact she'd got upset.  
That she was crying.  
That she'd lost that emotional control.  
That she'd let her defences down.  
She likes being held.  
A lot more than people might think because of how she behaves.  
How she appears.  
To most she seems distance, unaffected, not liking physical contact that much at all.  
But Alex knew different.  
Alex knew she did like it.  
Bernie liked being held.  
And being held close.  
Liking it a lot when she was tired and falling asleep.  
And she'd snuggle into Alex and sometimes snuffle softly in her sleep too.  
Oh she liked being held.  
Just like now.

 

With her breathing returning to normal, Bernie slowly lifted her head from the crook of Alex's neck, giving a little sniffle, using one of her hands to wipe her eyes, keeping close by the brunette, looking at said woman through her fringe, a smiling Alex keeping one arm around the blonde moving Bernie's fringe around her ears with her free hand, then gently removing a stray tear that had been missed with the pad of her thumb off Bernie's cheek, returning her hand to the other woman's hip.  
"You ok?" Alex asked, wanting to make sure she was, seeing Bernie nod in confirmation. "Sure?".  
"Yes, I am now, sorry for what I was just like" a little red hue to her cheeks, partly because she'd been crying and partly due to a bit of embarrassment of her getting upset. "And thank you for before y'know what you said" she was grateful for Alex stepping in like she did and wanted her to know that she was, things like this she'd missed a lot more than she'd realised when Alex wasn't in her life, especially things like the brunette knowing what she was like when upset and knowing how to calm and comfort her, Alex just knew.  
"No worries, anytime for you, you know this" Alex smiled warmly, it didn't matter to her that Bernie had gotten upset, not at all, eyes totally on Bernie's unable to take them off her, well apart from when they momentarily glanced to the blonde's lips and then regained their position on her eyes, becoming aware that Bernie had noticed, pleasantly surprised when she saw hazel eyes give a glance around the space they were in and then Bernie lean forward to capture her lips in a soft kiss then pull back to see the brunette smiling that bit wider at her, it reaching her eyes, Bernie mirroring her smile.  
"That smile is much better, suits you" Alex winked, Bernie giving a soft chuckle.  
"Thanks to you. I'd better get the drinks in, they'll be complaining and withering away over there" this making Alex chuckle, releasing her arms, all be it reluctantly from Bernie so they could both move back to near the bar.  
"Ok, I'll nip to the loo whilst I'm on my feet and then make sure they've not nicked our seat over there" the two women smiling at each other, Alex reaching for Bernie's hand that was loose at her side and giving it a final reassuring squeeze which Bernie returned, sharing a smile with the blonde before making her way to the toilet, unaware that the blonde trauma surgeon had her eyes on her all the way, only turning back to the bar when she'd disappeared from her view through the swinging door.


	11. Chapter 11

At the time of talking about it, or the discussion they'd had it'd seemed like a good idea, things like this often do at the time, but when it came to actually doing them, well, that was different.  
Different like now.  
Different for Bernie especially.  
Standing in front of the main doors, Alex at her side, her feet feeling like they were glued to the pavement.  
The main doors of one of the trendy and upmarket gay clubs in London.  
One of the ones Alex had said was a good one, that she thought Bernie would like.  
And Bernie had agreed to try it.  
To come for a weekend away with the brunette.  
To let their hair down.  
Away from their usual surroundings.  
Somewhere different for them both for a weekend.  
A break for them.  
"Bernie?".  
"Hmm?" looking to the woman at her side.  
"Are you ok?" watching Bernie nod. "What's the matter?" not believing the blonde.  
"I just...I erm...this..."motioning with her head to the club.  
"The club?".  
"Y..Yes".  
"What about it?" not quite understanding what Bernie was getting at, sensing before they'd arrived that the blonde had gone a bit quiet and was gripping her hand that bit more on the walk here, this grip that had remained at the present time as they were speaking.  
"I just...I don't know, don't know if I can..." her tongue darting out to moisten her dry and tense lips, this tension gripping her body, her body that was wearing dark skinny jeans, ankle boots, and a slim fitting short sleeved blouse. Alex herself dressed in dark skinny jeans, a round neck slim fit but loose t shirt, and brogues, having told Bernie already a couple of times on their walk to the club how nice she looked and that her new blouse suited her a lot, this gaining a shy smile from the blonde.

 

"Why not eh?".  
"Because...I've never...never before" she'd never in her fifty years of life set foot near a gay club, let alone actually in one, something about not being true to herself and 'out' for so many years giving her a doubt to whether she was actually 'allowed' to be in these sorts of places, if she actually would fit in and enjoy them, since she'd not been 'normal' for so much of her life.  
"That's ok, everyone has to start somewhere...and before you say anything yes you do belong here, you're 'normal' for not being in a gay club before, you think half of these lot inside had not been in the same position that you'd been in in their lives, regardless of age or whatever we all have to start somewhere, we've all been in the position that you're in now and we've all had the nerves and apprehension about what it'll be like and if you'll actually like it, and feel like you fit in. I for one think you'll fit right in and will get used to the atmosphere and actually enjoy it, I wouldn't have brought you to this one if I didn't think so, I wouldn't have put you through that for your first time, that would just be cruel, plus I'm here with you, holding your hand as long as you need it hm?" trying to reassure and calm the simmering tension and nerves of the other woman.  
"O...Ok but, but if I don't like it after we go in...can we..can we come straight out?" wanting this confirmation before she went any further, almost needing to hear it.  
Alex gave her a nod.  
"Of course we can, if we try it and you don't like it, we'll come straight out".  
"O...Ok" taking a deep breath.  
"Ok, let's go" giving a squeeze of Bernie's hand and then stepping forward to the main doors and then through them into the club, having to move through the top bar where there were already a few people sitting at the tables in groups and couples, drinking and having a good time, to moving down the back stairs to the basement floor where the club part was, the music getting that bit louder as they did, the air around them feeling that bit warmer, being able to almost smell the warmth and heat from the lower level, a few people smiling at them as they passed them on the stairs, Alex saying hello to a couple of them she'd recognised.  
Reaching the bottom of the stairs, it opened out into a rather large dance floor, a DJ booth at the front covered in strobe lights flying in all directions, the bar staff bustling busy behind the bar that was occupied by a few customers wanting drinks, the dance floor with quite a few people dancing and having a good time, the music pulsating off the walls and creating a lively and fun, also loud atmosphere, but it was a club so this was expected.  
"Let's get a drink eh?" Alex smiled, starting to head to the bar, their hands becoming parted as someone walked through them and Bernie was rooted to the spot, these surroundings total alien and new to her, Alex turning back as she felt the empty hand and noticed the other woman wasn't there, making her way back to a nervous and little bit spooked, Bernie.  
"Hey, it's ok" lacing the fingers of Bernie's left hand and her right hand together, the touch bringing hazel eyes to look into her green ones. "Let's go and get a drink, I'm right here with you, you don't have to be scared" Bernie giving her a little nod, Alex leading them both to the bar, releasing their fingers when they got there so she was able to slide her right arm around the base of Bernie's back, pulling her into her side as she ordered them their drinks, using her free hand to pay and slide the change into the back pocket of her jeans.  
Keeping her arm around Bernie, Alex picked up her bottle of beer and watched the older woman do the same, the blonde not moving far from her position against Alex on making their way further into the club and finding a seat to sit at, hazel eyes wandering around her surroundings again on finding a table just to the side of the dance floor, offering a wide view of most of the club and bar, Alex watching Bernie as she took in where they were.

 

She took in everything, the dance floor, the people, the atmosphere, the bar, the people men and women going to the bar, the people around them how they were all laughing and joking, drinking, then getting up to go and dance, then returning to their tables for a rest whilst their partners and or friends went to buy more drinks, all just having a good time, it just being a 'normal' Saturday night out for everyone.  
She's looking.  
Listening.  
Watching.  
Taking it all in.  
Weighing everything up.  
Taking in the new situation.  
Look at the way her hands hold her bottle.  
She's had a few sips and it's still in her hands.  
If she's able to hold something or fidget with something when she's nervous that's what she does.  
As opposed to wringing and fidgeting with her fingers.  
That brilliant mind is working.  
Processing.  
Deciding.  
Wondering.  
Questioning.  
The fact she's in here with me is a step.  
A big step.  
We're out, in London together.  
At a gay club.  
Together.  
Progress.  
"Everything ok?" Alex asked as she sipped at her beer, Bernie giving a little nod back.  
"Yeah, just...just looking" as she then sipped from her bottle, Alex knowing exactly what she meant, happy to let the blonde try and settle into her surroundings.

 

After being sat in a comfortable silence as Bernie tried to relax in the club and decide whether she liked it, Alex's ears pricked up at a sound next to her, a sound coming from the blonde, a sound that she recognised as very faint singing, this coming from Bernie.  
Bernie was singing.  
Singing along to the track the DJ had started playing.  
This song being The Chainsmokers & Coldplay- Something Just Like This.  
A song the blonde seemed to know the words to.  
Know the words to and like.  
A little movement of her head to the beat as she sung.  
Words she was very softly singing along to while an index finger ran around the top of her beer bottle, a sight Alex felt her heart melt at, how could it not.  
Here was Bernie Wolfe, sat next to her in a gay club in London, a bottle of beer in hand, singing along ever so faintly to a song as she looked around at all the people on the dance floor and in the club itself, watching as hazel eyes caught her looking at her as the song drew to a close, cheeks flushing shyly, knowing she'd been caught, fingers wrapping around her bottle neck shyly, nervously clearing her throat, Alex unable to stop a smile at how cute she was, because by the gods she was so bloody cute!  
Inching her way to close the small gap between them, Alex leaned her lips near to the ear of the trauma surgeon, tucking the blonde hair around it before she whispered into it.  
"That is one of the cutest things I've ever seen and heard in my life, you're cute as hell" seeing Bernie dip her head shyly, her chin being caught by Alex, their eyes together. "It's true it is" the blonde smiling back at her, unable not to when Alex smiled like that at her, still a visible hint of flush on her cheeks, Alex unable to remove her hand from Bernie's chin, just wanting to look at her.  
How can I not look at her?  
Look at her she's gorgeous and so cute.  
Shy, gorgeous Bernie!  
I've never thought anyone is like her.  
No one comes near her.  
No one ever has.  
Even when we were apart.  
No one came close to her.  
I just wanted her.  
No one else.  
Just her.

 

Then a song came on, a song that made Bernie's eyes move to the dance floor near them and then back to Alex, Alex narrowing her eyes at the reaction, trying to figure out what Bernie was thinking about.  
Zara Larsson- I Would Like, the intro blaring from the speakers.  
"Like this one eh?" seeing Bernie give a little nod after a few minutes, this enough for Alex to release her chin and get up from her seat, move to the other side of the blonde and offer her hand to her. "Would you dance with me, please?" silently hoping Bernie would at least try and then come back if she didn't like it, as opposed to just a flat out no.  
Then the response came after a few seconds.  
Bernie took Alex's hand.  
"Ok then".  
A little smile and she was up off her seat, being led to the dance floor by the younger brunette, in amongst all of the other clubbers.  
Bringing the blonde close to her, Alex wrapped her arms around Bernie, starting slowly at first to move both their bodies, seeing Bernie feeling a bit awkward, not used to this kind of thing, watching Alex and then down at their bodies, then Alex's body, trying to learn what to do, how to act, how to be.  
"There you go" Alex encouraged watching Bernie's torso loosen up inch by inch, the trauma surgeon putting her arms around Alex's neck and crossing them behind her head, her hips tight against Alex's, their bodies flush together, clothed breasts against clothed breasts, the brunette's hands now on Bernie's hips as both figures moved so naturally together.  
To see them together on the dance floor they fit into the scene so well.  
Just a gay couple.  
Out on a Saturday night.  
Both women totally engrossed in the other.  
Eyes for no one else but each other.  
Bodies beginning to grind that bit more as the song continued.  
A proud and happy smile being flashed from Alex to Bernie.  
Bernie flashing a smile back as she got lost in the woman in front of her and the song, almost forgetting that she'd never done this before, it feeling like her and Alex did this all the time, enjoying herself.  
To say I've never done this before.  
Never been to or in a place like this before.  
It's nice.  
I'm enjoying it.  
Enjoying it with her.  
Especially this song too.  
The way she holds me.  
Is patient with me.  
Looks at me.  
Moves with me.  
Is just Alex.  
I've been missing out on this.  
Being in these places.  
It's better than I thought.  
More what's that word...fun.  
Fun.  
Yeah that's it.  
It is fun.  
Something I've not had much of in my life.  
Apart from with her.  
She likes having fun.  
Is easy going.  
Relaxed.  
Calm.  
Steady.  
All the things I've never had.  
Never had until her.

 

"Someone can dance" Alex murmured into Bernie's ear, smiling against the shell as she felt Bernie's cheek lift against her own as the blonde smiled.  
"So can someone else" Bernie gave back into Alex's ear, feeling the brunette shiver at the action, pulling back to look at the woman who was holding her.  
Alex grinned widely at the blonde, unable to stop it, their present position and surroundings also causing this, if you'd have told Alex two months ago she'd be dancing with Bernie in a gay club in London, she'd have probably offered to try and get you to see a mental health nurse in St James's because she'd have not believed a word of it, and thought you were losing your marbles, because she didn't think it would've been possible, but now, standing here with the woman in question, the entire situation made her grin like a fool.  
Taking a firm grip of Bernie's hips, she pulled their bodies flush together again, their faces millimetres apart, eyes together, the blonde's hands on her shoulders and then moving to hold the bottom of either side of her neck, taking the opportunity to dip her fingertips in the waistband of the blonde's jeans stroking the soft skin she found here, delighting in feeling Bernie shiver at her touch, god her skin was so soft, one of the softest things Alex had ever felt in her life.  
"I wanna kiss you" Alex breathed, and by god she did, she always did, but especially now, especially here with the woman in her arms, in a club, for everyone to see, but with their eyes on each other, just for each other, the chemistry electric between them both, like it always had been since the army, something that had never gone, even though Bernie in the early days of Alex walking away that fateful night had tried to stuff it down, deny it, get past it, thinking if she tried hard enough it'd fade, she'd get over it, get over her, it never had and it never would, she could never get over Alex, never and she didn't want to.  
"Then kiss me" Bernie replied back, her voice also breathy, wanting, needing Alex to kiss her, her body having heated up considerably due to their dancing and grinding, feeling the younger brunette against her, touching her, her eyes closing in an instant when her lips were with Alex's, soft tongues automatically moving into each other mouths and then together, groans and murmurs permeating the air in and around them, Bernie's hands moving up and into the bottom of Alex's soft, brown hair, fingers threading into it, deepening their kiss more as Alex's own hands found their way up Bernie's sides and onto the blonde's cheeks, cupping them and threading her fingers through unruly blonde locks that had escaped from behind the ears she'd put them behind, both women totally unaware of anything or anyone around them, forgetting and not caring about the fact they were stood in the middle of a club dance floor as they continued to kiss passionately, the rest of the clubbers dancing around them caught up in the haze of the music that was playing.


	12. Chapter 12

Waking up next to someone.  
Someone who makes you feel safe.  
Who wants you.  
Wants you next to them.  
Knows you like to be held and cuddle when tired.  
Someone who knows your flaws.  
Knows how much hard work you can be at times.  
Knows all this and still wants you.  
Just wants you to be you despite these flaws.  
Actually encourages you to be yourself.  
Wants this more than anything else.  
These facets fitting Alex.  
The younger brunette who was feisty.  
Who put her heart on the line.  
Put it on the line for Bernie.  
Who saved her life.  
Yes in terms of the IED.  
But so many more ways besides this.  
In making her accept herself.  
The real her.  
Not the 'pretend' one married unhappily to Marcus.  
But the 'real' one who was attracted to women.  
Who'd been attracted to Alex in more ways that she'd realised at first.

 

While in the army together and being put together they seemed to click in a short space of time, working side by side easily, Alex's openness fitting well with Bernie's more 'closed off' and reserved nature, but looking past it Alex could see something, something that drew her to the blonde, something she'd never felt before with anyone else. This being the same for Bernie too, Alex's calm and kind nature catching Bernie's attention, drawing her to the brunette, like a magnet, a moth to a flame, a flame that had ignited something deep inside the army medic, something Marcus had never done, never been able to do before, something that had caused them both to kiss that night when they were alone talking, when their bodies were next to each other, eyes gazing at each other, the electricity fizzling, a kiss that spoke volumes, passionate kissing, grabbing at each other, pulling the other as close as they could, Bernie wanting Alex close.  
Laying here watching the younger woman sleep Bernie smiled to herself and at the other woman, the way her face was relaxed, her chest rising and falling steadily as she slept, the top of her shoulder peeking out from under the duvet as she led on her side facing in towards Bernie, the blonde grateful of this so she got to watch her sleep, her brown locks sticking up at the side, ruffled from sleep, compared to how smooth they usually were, Bernie finding this one of the most adorable things about Alex, as well as others. Her lips a soft shade of pink, the top one just a little smaller and thinner than the bottom one, all the better to run your tongue along when kissing her, something Bernie enjoyed a lot, her stomach fluttering at the thought, the thought of kissing Alex, oh how she'd never enjoyed kissing someone until Alex, never thought of herself as a kissing kind of person until the brunette, then it all changed, made her realise how much she liked kissing the other woman.  
Then a smile, a smile that reached all the way to the green eyes that were now opened and looking back at her, sleepily but cute if you asked Bernie, Alex waking and catching Bernie looking at her, something she secretly liked knowing, knowing that even in sleep, when Bernie was awake and she was sleeping the blonde liked looking at her, looking over her, watching her, something Alex herself had done last night when Bernie had fallen asleep before her.  
"Good morning" Alex mumbled sleepily.  
"It is for sure" Bernie replied cheekily, causing Alex to chuckle.  
"One of those mornings is it" she laughed, bringing Bernie close so that she could share a morning kiss with her, pulling the blonde on top of her, smiling as she felt naked body against naked body, also at Bernie's murmur at the contact. "One of those mornings for sure" she added, tongues together and hands exploring warm morning skin at the same time, something they both had been relishing being able to do freely recently.  
This kind of 'contact' they couldn't do in the army.  
Not at all.  
Not with the risk that it involved.  
Too much risk.  
Too many chances of someone coming in.  
Finding them in a compromising position.  
Too close to each other.  
Asking questions.  
Questions they couldn't answer truthfully.  
Didn't want to have to answer.  
Ones that would destroy their bubble.  
The bubble they'd created for themselves.  
Their happy bubble.  
But now it was different.  
Much different.  
So different.  
They could lay like this.  
Touch each other like this.  
And how nice it was.  
The freedom.  
The closeness.

 

After spending a little bit of the morning cuddled in bed before venturing downstairs for some breakfast, the two women collected their bags from the hotel room and then left for a day around the city, wanting to take in the various sights and sounds, explore them together, maybe some shopping, some food out together, just spend time together when they didn't have to bother about work or anyone else for a while, just each other.  
Walking down the side of the river, they approached the London Eye, both women looking at each other.  
"Shall we?" Alex asked, not sure if Bernie wanted to go up on it or not.  
"Why not seen as we're here" she replied, seeing Alex smiled and step into the queue, luckily they'd got here at a good time and the line wasn't too long to wait in, getting to the front in a short time, paying for their tickets and then boarding one of the capsules, it turning out that they got one with not many people in it seen as it was still early, something neither of them minded.  
With the capsule steadily moving up in the air, both women wandered around the space taking in the sights around them as it headed for the top. On the capsule reaching the very top of the wheel and pausing where it was, the other people in the space were admiring the view and all talking between them, Alex was leaned on the metal bar that ran around the inside of the capsules windows, her eyes wandering over the sprawling views as far as the eyes could see, just enjoying taking in her surroundings high above the city, not seeing the blonde come behind her from the other side of the space and put her hands temporarily on the bar, take a look at the other people using the reflection in the window, seeing they were too engrossed in the view to be watching the two women nearby, and then slip her arms around Alex's waist, cuddling her from behind, the brunette reacting in an instant and leaning back into the embrace, her hands over the top of Bernie's and lacing their fingers together, resting her head against the trauma's surgeons which had now appeared on her shoulder, smiling at the contact.  
"Hello you" Alex whispered.  
"Hello you" Bernie whispered back, feeling Alex's cheek rise as she smiled that bit more, looking into the reflection on the window seeing them both together, smiles on both of their faces, the way their bodies fit together, the way their fingers linked together, how her head fit snugly on Alex's shoulder, cheeks touching together and smiling at the same time, they fit together in so many ways, ways Bernie had never fit with another human being before in her life, ways she'd never think she could ever fit with someone and especially not another woman, she'd spent that long denying and hiding her true self, almost losing herself, conceding herself to a life of being unhappily married to Marcus just getting on with things and accepting her lot, thinking this is what she deserved, but then Alex happened, ignited that spark deep inside, one she'd tried so hard to deny, to cover up, pretend wasn't there and once the brunette had lit that flame there was no way of putting it out, no way of denying her feelings for Alex, her love for Alex, her want and need for the other woman, a woman who accepted her for all her flaws and faults, embraced them, loved her for them, wanted her for them, the woman who she stood holding at this very moment, the one who had always in truth had her heart and always would.  
"I love you" Alex breathed in something not barely a whisper, knowing full well her heart was hammering as she'd said it but unable it seemed to help herself, something in the moment of them stood there together as they were had caused her to breathe the words, the three words she'd said to Bernie in the army, meaning every one of them, words that when it came to the blonde doctor came easily, freely, without thought, from her heart.  
Bernie's eyes caught the green ones of the brunette after the words had entered her ears, not moving from her position, not letting go of Alex even though she also knew her pounding heart was no doubt being felt against Alex's back, her arms still around the other woman, her head against hers, looking at her, at them, at this snapshot of them together right here and now, how they looked together, how good they felt together, how well they fit, just like they'd always done, despite everything that'd happened it was always Alex, it always would be Alex, no one was like her, not in Bernie's eyes.  
"And I...I love you" Bernie replied, her voice loud enough so only Alex could hear, feeling and seeing the brunette's cheek rise up as she smiled at Bernie in the reflection in the window, Alex also squeezing her and the blonde's hands, her heart feeling funny as she heard Bernie say the words, it feeling like it was the first time she'd heard it from her and in a way it was, it was just the two of them, no complications in terms of Bernie being married, or the both of them still being in the army, having to hide the fact they were together, that they had feelings for each other, they could just be.

 

There's something about hearing it from her.  
The fact she's said the words.  
Said the actual words.  
Said them out loud.  
Said them to me.  
It was a big thing for anyone for sure.  
For someone to say that to another human being.  
To offer that to them.  
But for her.  
Bernie Wolfe.  
For her to say it to me.  
Well that was definitely something.  
Something special.  
Special to me.  
And made that more special because she'd said it.  
She didn't have to but she did.  
She said it.  
She said she loved me back.  
She loves me back.  
Bernie loves me back.  
"Stood like this with you right here is so nice" Alex murmured softly, the morning sun coming through the clouds and into the windows of the capsule that bit more with their position high in the air, snuggling back more into Bernie's front, sighing happily and allowing herself to close her eyes for a few moments, feeling safe in the other woman's embrace.  
"It is nice, it's nice just the two of us" Bernie gave back, her eyes unable to move at the sight of Alex with her eyes closed, cuddled tight into her, still with their fingers linked together, being able to smell the fruity fresh smell of the brunette's shampoo, the softness of her hair against her ear, the softness of her cheek against her own cheek.  
This is the kind of thing Bernie had been witness to over the years, couples together, holding one another and cuddling up, enjoying each other's company in public and not being afraid or worried to show it, just being together, enjoying being together and wanting in a way other people to see them enjoying this togetherness, share their happiness, regardless of the fact it was two women together, the concept now as 'normal' as a man and a woman together, something that Bernie in all her years in the army and life had thought would never happen, that she'd never be able to show, to show this side of herself, the 'dark and dirty' side according to Marcus.  
Then Alex came in and took away these feelings of shame and being dirty, allowed Bernie to be herself, to allow herself to explore the feelings she kept hidden that she sometimes saw as a weakness, allowed her to just be, just like now, being able to freely and in public be herself, with the woman she'd fallen in love with, the one she wanted to hold and to hold her, the one she'd missed beyond words when she'd left the army, a hole in her life that no matter what she did couldn't and wouldn't be filled, an Alex shaped hole, one that was now filled, happily filled.

 

Keeping their position as the capsule started up again both women cuddled together, Bernie behind Alex both gazing out at the view as they moved around, talking and chatting about the view and general things, sharing laughs as the wheel continued its journey to the bottom where they started that morning, both stepping out as the door was opened, their fingers laced together, looking to the other as they walked away and shared smiles, Alex stopping when they were just a small distance away from the wheel and closed the small gap between them leaning her face towards Bernie's, pausing a few millimetres before any contact was made seeing if the blonde would catch on to what she was meaning, seeing hazel eyes look back at her action, these hazel eyes looking straight into her green ones and after a couple of seconds the gap had been evaporated as Bernie grazed her lips to the brunette's, feeling Alex smile against her lips, this causing Bernie to return the smile, this smile widening as she felt the brunette's free hand cupping her cheek as they kissed, a thumb stroking the soft skin it found on the blonde's face, Bernie's free hand finding Alex's hip and holding her close, after a few minutes both of them parting to get some air, their foreheads together, smiling still at the other.  
"The best kisser bar none" Alex said, grinning cheekily, the sincerity coming across as she gazed at Bernie.  
Bernie chuckled at the compliment.  
"I try my best, especially when I get to kiss you" she winked, causing Alex to give a soft laugh, this sound making Bernie smile widely, her arms wrapping around the brunette who had just cuddled into her, Alex's own arms around Bernie's body, the blonde was always good at giving her hugs, making her feel safe and secure, that nothing could hurt her when she was in Bernie's arms, just like now.  
God I love her so much.  
Bernie's hugs are the best thing bar none.  
I've missed them so much.  
I didn't realise how much until I've had so many of them over the past few weeks.  
She can hug like no one else can.  
I could stay in her arms forever.  
God I've missed you so much Bern.


	13. Chapter 13

If there was one thing Serena Campbell was and that was perceptive.  
She knew when someone was trying to fob her off, spin her a line, put on a happy face, lie to her.  
She didn't suffer fools easily, regardless of who it was.  
And especially when the certain person had been working with her.  
When she'd been able to see them with the same put on expression for the majority of the morning.  
And this time it was Alex.

 

The brunette had come across for a stint in the hospital from St James's for extra cover in AAU, with the combination of holidays, illness, some staff going to other departments to cover for their shortage of staff had required Holby to draft in staff from other places, obviously the brunette had jumped at the chance to come across to Bernie's place of work, it'd all started so well, so happy, until things had started going downhill between them, not obvious to other people not Serena, but the vascular surgeon had noticed quite early on, the change in Alex's demeanour, the tension in her features, her happiness towards the patients and then it dropping when she wasn't dealing with them.  
"Is everything ok?" Serena said moving over to the younger woman who was sat at the nurse's station at the computer doing some work a little while later, Alex jumping a little at the sudden voice beside her having not heard her come next to her.  
"Um yes, yeah I'm fine" glancing up to the older woman then away back to the screen but ceasing typing, thinking her answer might be enough for Serena.  
"Shall we maybe try the truth now if I re ask the same question?" challenged Serena. "I'm not one for prying into anyone's business but you don't look happy, you look what's the word...deflated, like you've a weight on your shoulders, different to how I've seen you look before, when you looked happy".  
Alex sighed at Serena's words, rubbing her forehead and keeping her eyes on the screen, pausing before she spoke again.  
"It's just....it's Bern" pausing again, not one for speaking to people about her private life but knowing she could trust Serena because she was Bernie's best friend and needing to unload to someone. "I've thought for a while about...about engagement and marriage" the use of these two words making Serena interrupt her.  
"Let's go into the office, talk about it without prying ears and eyes" asking a nearby nurse to take over what Ms Dawson was doing, both women heading into the office, the office was empty due to Bernie being in theatre most of the day so Serena was running the AAU with help from Alex and the rest of the staff, the schedule giving the window of opportunity to speak together.

 

"So..you were saying" sitting down in her seat as Alex took one of the chairs near the window, the younger woman looking at her clasped hands, her fingers being fiddled with, just like Bernie did sometimes Serena thought as she looked at Alex, certain similarities between the two women were so alike that it made Serena chuckle when she thought about them, talk about two peas in a pod.  
"Yeah erm...I've been thinking for a while about being engaged and getting married to her and we've spoken about it briefly but, but she doesn't seem to want to talk about it properly at all, or seem that interested in either idea, when I've brought it up she mumbles a response, or brushes it off saying about not talking about it yet or that we'll talk about it later etc, making me think she's not actually that bothered" giving a little glance to Serena and sighing softly.  
Serena studied the other brunette's face as she spoke, knowing it was probably hard for Alex to be sat here talking to her about such a matter, especially when it involved Bernie and knowing the kind of relationship her and Serena had.  
"Is that what you actually think?" Serena asked, wanting to get a full angle on Alex point of view before she assumed anything.  
Alex gave a little nod and then looked up at the brunette, giving a little sigh, not really wanting to admit that's how she felt, especially not to Bernie's best friend, but wanting to be honest at the same time, needing to unload her feelings she'd been carrying somehow.  
"Yeah, I mean how else am I meant to feel, she won't talk about it or brushes it off, doesn't seem remotely interested in the idea or anything connected to it or near to it, says that she in a roundabout way isn't fussed about engagement or marriage in general, I get with Marcus that might have been a factor but I'm not him, oh what's the point, I'm never gonna be able to compete with the shit he dished out to her and now is lingering in her mind am I?" she sighed again, swallowing down the choking feeling in her throat, fighting getting upset in front of the other brunette, quickly getting up and moving for the door, a hand on her shoulder stopping her and making her turn around, Serena smiling sympathetically at her.  
"It's ok, honestly it's ok, I understand that it must be hard for you to sit here talking about and talking about it to me, but I also want you to know you can talk to me, I know Bernie isn't the easiest of people in many ways" the sentiment not being lost on Alex as she moved back to the chair she recently occupied, nodding at Serena's words, sniffing and brushing a couple of stray tears from her eyes, her attempt at not getting upset failing, thanking the heavens that she was in the office on her own with Serena and not in front of an 'audience' now that would have made things worse, made her feel worse.

 

"No she's not the easiest, not in certain circumstances anyway, circumstances like this, it's like she totally cuts her mind and brain off to any kind of idea of ever getting engaged and married, especially to me, which I think in my mind makes it worse, well worse for me anyway, I know that that probably makes me sound a bit selfish" hoping it didn't sound too bad to Serena like it did to her own ears.  
Serena smiled again at the younger brunette.  
"It doesn't sound selfish, I can tell how much you love her, if anyone can't see it then well they're quite frankly blind in my opinion" seeing Alex give her a little smile at this remark. "But yes she's shall we say a tough nut to crack with this subject, given what's happened with Marcus, but that's not to say that you're anything like him because you're not, not at all, and I understand your frustration at her maybe speaking about you in this vein especially in terms of being and getting engaged and married, it must be hard when she rebuffs these conversations and seems not all that bothered and interested in any of it when you quite clearly are".  
Alex nodded at Serena's words, moistening her lips with her tongue to speak.  
"It is, I'd love nothing more than to be engaged and married to her, but the way that we're going none of those things will happen ever, too be honest the way she's seemingly closing up in that way again well, I dread to think what path we might go down now or the not so distant future, it's just...it's hard" sighing and rubbing at the tension in her forehead, closing her eyes.

 

Well where have I seen that gesture before?  
The rubbing of the forehead before.  
Look no further than Bernie Wolfe herself.  
These two are so similar in certain aspects and I bet they don't even know it.  
Well I bet Alex does, in fact you can tell she does, but Bernie, well Bernie is Bernie, stiff upper lip and stubborn to the last, Alex is stubborn but in different ways.  
I can tell Alex loves the bones of her.  
She'd love to be engaged to Bernie.  
To buy her a ring, go out and pick her one and then propose with it.  
She's not come out outright and said it but you can tell she would.  
She's an old romantic is Alex.  
Someone who'd give Bernie the world if she could.  
Because Bernie is her world.  
Bloody hell Wolfe you need a good talking to.  
You've got to get past this hurdle of what things were like in your marriage to Marcus in the past.  
If you don't and you can't see a way past it then I think Alex is only going to take so much despite of her love for you and decide then she needs to walk away, not just for her but for you too.  
And god help you if she ever got to that point, because I'd certainly have some strong opinions and words to say to you about that.  
Let's get this issue nipped in the bud before anything that drastic occurs.


	14. Chapter 14

"Well it seems we've got enough food for the rest of the night" Serena said as the takeaway dishes had been laid out over the dining table ready for them both to start plating up, if there was one thing about Bernie and food, you were always guaranteed never to go hungry, the trauma surgeon always ordered enough food and then some, something Serena found funny and so Bernie like.  
"If you're going to have a takeaway you've got to have enough food and it's been a long day, I'm hungry" Bernie replied, already taking the lids off the food and spooning portions onto her plate, she did feel famished from her shift and the smell of all this food was too tempting to not tuck into right away.  
Plating her own food up, both women settled onto one of Serena's sofa and began eating, it not taking the blonde to finish her food and put the empty plate on the coffee table in front of them and pick up her glass of wine.  
"Bloody hell that was quick" Serena mumbled after swallowing another mouthful of food, her own plate only half empty of food, not that surprised really by the speed her best friend ate at, but wanting to make the remark anyway.  
"I was hungry" Bernie chuckled, sipping her wine.  
Serena couldn't help but chuckled back at the other woman's response, pausing eating to also take a sip of her wine before she continued.  
"Have you spoken to Alex today?" Serena asked into the silence, the low hum of the TV in the background of the room, Bernie's eyes on the screen, the blonde pausing her drinking as the question was asked.  
"Not since yesterday morning when she was in AAU and then I went into theatre, she'd gone by the time I'd come out again that late afternoon, why?" her tone quite matter of fact given the question just posed to her by Serena.  
"Doesn't that bother you?".  
Bernie turned her head to look at her best friend.  
"Should it?" seeing Serena raise her eyebrows.  
"Did you just really answer that in that way?" the brunette replied, her empty plate joining Bernie's on the coffee table.  
"What is that meant to mean?".  
"Bernie I saw her expression and how she was behaving when you'd left for theatre yesterday morning, you couldn't not see it, the woman looked dejected, deflated, not what I'd class as very upbeat and happy..." seeing the blonde avert her eyes at Serena's words, a vision of Alex sat in AAU yesterday crossing her mind.

 

There were go.  
She's looking away because she knows.  
She knows exactly what Alex was like yesterday.  
And that memory and no contact is hard for her.  
Regardless of how she tries to pretend.  
Tries to have her stiff upper lip routine that she does.  
Typical Bernie.  
Classic Bernie.  
The Bernie I'm used to.  
The Bernie I can get through to because she listens to me and it's different.  
Different because I'm not the woman feeling like Bernie doesn't want to marry me.  
Doesn't want that commitment with me.  
Different because I'm not Alex.

 

"And.." Bernie mumbled, eyes on her wine glass, no longer looking at the brunette.  
"And we spoke in the office when you'd gone into theatre" being truthful with the blonde, having never lied to the blonde about anything and she wasn't about to start now.  
"Spoke?" Bernie frowned half turning to look at Serena.  
"Yeah we spoke, she looked so down and upset and she tried to tell me she was ok but I didn't buy it, it was rather obvious that she wasn't so we spoke and she got upset even though she nearly walked out when this happened.." catching the look in Bernie's eyes as she mentioned Alex getting upset. "She eventually told me about things not being the best between you both recently, the lack of you wanting to talk about certain subjects with her, brushing her and these subjects off when she attempts to discuss them with you and try to get you to open up about them, the woman thinks you're not bothered".  
"I am...I am bothered..".  
"Really because that's not the impression Alex gets and if I was her I don't think I would if I were her either, she thinks that you don't want anything as serious as marriage with her, and it stings and hurts her even more because you married Marcus, yet you don't want anything like that with her" seeing Bernie swallow at the words, her hand gripping her wine glass tighter. "Is she right, is that what you think?" waiting a few moments, the woman next to her gathering her thoughts before she opened her mouth to speak and respond.  
"No...no it's not, not about him compared to her, he's nothing compared to her, no one is and ever will be...".  
"Then what's going on, why won't you even talk to her about it, why does she feel like it's not what you want with her, because that's what she thinks and feels, she thinks you'll never want to be with her that way, that she isn't and won't even be able to compete with Marcus on those terms" seeing a look of horror and hurt simultaneously flash across Bernie's face.  
"But..But she's not like him, she's everything he wasn't and that's the problem" sighing at her own inability to speak and explain. "When I was married to him everything....everything was wrong, it was well shit for want of a better word and things were messed up, I was messed up, I wasn't able to do anything right and look how that ended up, in a complete and utter disaster zone, it was a war zone, and I don't think I could cope with that again, with it all going wrong and being that way" looking away from Serena again and back to her wine.  
"But that was a totally different situation with a man who treated you badly, who you knew you didn't want to be with, who you didn't love, who you weren't being yourself with, but now, with Alex, it's different. She's the opposite of Marcus and loves the bones of you, she'd give you the world if she could, she treats you how you should've been being treated for years. I'm sure Alex hasn't had the best of times over the years since you two parted but she came back for you, because she wanted you, no one else but you, not many women would do that, they'd be telling you which door to walk back out of and not contact them again".

 

Bernie sighed as Serena spoke, her mind filled with nothing but Alex, the woman consuming her thoughts more than anyone else had in her life before, even when she'd ended up at Holby after being injured, after Alex saved her life it was still Alex, every thought was Alex, it was like the brunette had taken up her psyche, got into her blood, under her skin, unlike anyone else had in her life before.  
"I know..".  
"Then what's the problem, don't you want to be with her is that it?".  
"No of course I do, I've always wanted to be with her that's been part of the bigger problem when I was married to Marcus, hence why I had to get divorced, I couldn't do it anymore, I couldn't be with him anymore, couldn't have him near me anymore, not when I wanted her, I needed her, and it was and has been a need, more than I can say I've ever needed anyone before in my life" putting her wine glass on the table and then putting her head in her hands, fingers through her blonde curls, closing her eyes.

 

What the fuck is going on?  
Going on with my head.  
I'm doing it again aren't I?  
I'm pushing her away.  
I've not contacted her.  
She's not spoken or seen me since yesterday morning.  
And I know why but I didn't do anything.  
I didn't do anything because of fear.  
Because I'm scared of another marriage ending up like the one to Marcus.  
But that's not right.  
Not right because she's not Marcus.  
Nothing like him.  
She's everything.  
Everything I've ever wanted.  
Needed.  
Dreamed of.  
She's everything.  
That's also why I'm scared.  
Because I don't want to mess it up.  
To end up losing her.  
Losing my dare I say it.  
Soul mate.  
Because she is.  
That's exactly what she is.  
She just.  
She gets me.  
She understands.  
She sees the real me.  
And she loves this.  
Loves me.  
And I actually see and feel it from her.  
Things I've never experienced with anyone else before.  
And I don't think I ever will again.  
Only with her.  
There's only one Alex.

 

"Bernie...she's not Marcus and you're not in that situation and never will be again, that's the past, it's gone finished, you're free of that, it's a new chapter, a new life and chance at what you've always wanted and with the woman you've always wanted, she's bloody with you and loves you, but if you keep pushing and comparing then as much as she loves the bones of you she'll have enough and then walk, and you'll regret it for the rest of your life. Don't get to that stage, not when you don't have too..." seeing the blonde raise her head slowly at the words and half turn to look at her. "Be happy Bernie, talk to Alex, but don't lose her, don't lose her to fear, fear that will disappear when you get used to being happy and that the woman you've always wanted wants you back, some people never for whatever reasons get a chance at what you've got now, take the chance, be with the woman who loves and wants you, take what she's giving you and give it back to her, be bloody happy Bernie, it's your time now, bloody take it" raising her eyebrows to emphasise her point, hoping somehow her message was getting through.

 

Bloody hell Wolfe.  
Get the message please.  
If you're not getting it then I'm out of ideas.  
Properly out of them.  
And I don't know what else to say to you.  
Bloody be happy with Alex.  
Let her make you happy, as you make her.  
It's your time now.  
Both of you.


	15. Chapter 15

Difficult.  
Stand off ish.  
A little awkward.  
Defences raised a bit.  
Sceptical.  
Wary.  
All the things that made talking that bit more difficult.  
Communicating more difficult.

 

Things that Alex was now displaying as they sat in Bernie's living room, the blonde having invited the brunette over to talk the next day, or at least to try and talk, to try and cut through the rubbish and assumptions that had been going on recently, try and relieve the tension between them, the developing mistrust and rocky foundations that were appearing under them and their relationship.  
"So..." Alex started, perched on the sofa edge, her hands clasped together, fingers threaded together, threaded where Bernie's should be, where Bernie's had been not long ago, a place she'd liked her hand being.  
"I wanted to speak to you" Bernie started, hazel eyes making their way down from the other woman's face, to the clasped hands and then back up to Alex's face, noting the tension and tiredness that graced her features, two things she'd not seen for quite a while, not since the army and then just after when the pair of them had met back up and then they'd struggled to get back on an even level, a level where they were at the same point, an understanding between the two of them, a clearing of the air so to speak.  
"Ok then" Alex gave back waiting for the blonde to speak, given that's what she'd said she wanted to do in her message and then now here again.  
"About....about what's been going on these past few days, how I've been, how we've been, or how we've not been, I'm sorry.." seeing Alex's shoulders drop at the apology, the brunette fiddling with her hands before getting up from her position on the sofa and start to step to the living room door, Bernie having mirrored her getting up but then lightly frowning as she saw Alex grip and then let go of the door handle, turning back round to face Bernie, her eyes full of unshed tears, this hitting the blonde in the stomach like a fist, unable to handle very well seeing Alex upset, it upsetting her.  
"I...I can't do this much longer Bern, I...I can't do this, I can't be in his shadow and feel like I'm being compared to him anymore, to feel that because of him I don't have a chance of getting close to you, that you think I'm somehow like him, that I'll treat you like he did even though I know and so do you that I'm nothing like him, I fucking know I'm nothing like him, I bloody love you for a start and that's the fucking biggest opposite of that arsehole".  
"I know...I know, that's why I've asked to talk to you and why Serena and I spoke last night, and she told me some home truths, told me that you'd spoken and told me some things that I needed to know, needed to have drummed into my head and she does that alright" stepping forward to close the gap that bit more between them both, wanting to do this physically as well as emotionally and mentally, thinking it'd been big enough for more than long enough. "I needed to talk to you, to try and explain some more about things, about what's been going on, about why certain things happen, why I behave and have behaved the way I do. It's not you Alex, it's not, it's not you at all, the whole talk of engagement and marriage I know I've avoided it and brushed it off when you've tried to talk about it and I shouldn't have done, it's not right of me to do that, but it's not to do with you, not in that sense it's not, it's me, it's me and me in here" pointing to her forehead, flicking her eyes to Alex's seeing the shining green of the brunette's eyes, sparkling with unshed tears, tears of frustration, of despair, of hurt, swallowing as she continued trying to explain.

 

"I...I...I don't want to fail you, fail you if I took that next step with you, the step of engagement and then marriage, fail you at being all you deserve and need, because I was crap the last time I was married I don't want to be like this again, not to you, not to us. It's not that you wouldn't and don't make me happy, it's the opposite of this, you make me the happiest, you always have, it's always been you, no one else comes close to you, they never will, there will never be any other woman for me but you..." closing the gap even more between them, the brunette's eyes fixated on the blonde as she spoke, fighting to keep the tears unshed, Bernie stretching out her own hands asking silently for Alex's hands which after a few minutes the younger woman offered, feeling Bernie take her hands in her own, holding them firmly.  
"It's always been you Alex, it'll always be you, I just don't want to fail you like I failed at my other marriage, I'm scared that's all, petrified actually, because I somehow got a second chance with you, god knows how but I did and I couldn't cope with losing you again, it nearly killed me last time and I know that it'd finish me off this time around, I couldn't cope Alex, I have dreamed of seeing you again when you left, hoping for just a glimpse of you, praying it wouldn't be the last time I saw you when you walked away and rightly walked away given the circumstances, I just needed to see you again, because something was missing without you, I couldn't cope if I messed up being married to you" her hazel slightly wider as she spoke, it taking a whole lot of courage for her to speak this way to the brunette but knowing she had to, that Alex needed her to.  
"I...I gave you another chance cos I wanted to, how could I not give you a second chance, I love you, you're my soul mate, you always have been, walking away was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do, knowing that might be the last time I ever saw you, but praying that it wouldn't be, that somehow you'd find me again, find me in different circumstances for you, for us. I'm scared too, I'm as scared as you are but I trust you and I know how I feel about you and that this is our chance, now it's our time, we've waited so long for this opportunity, to be able to be together, to be free to be with one another, nothing or no one holding us back, we've waited so long Bern, we've been through so much, separately and together we've been through so much, yeah it's a risk but so is life, being in the army we've been through more risks than most people could barely imagine and yet we're still here and we're here together, after all that crap and danger we're here, together, and yes we're both scared for our own reasons, but why don't we be scared together, go through it together, be happy together, live how we've wanted to live for years, it's our time now, it's our bloody time, let's take it, together" gently squeezing Bernie's hand, unable to stop a couple of tears that had sneaked out over her lashes and had trickled a path down her cheeks, seeing hazel eyes fill with their own tears. "I just want you, I don't care about anything else, I couldn't care less, I love and want you, all of you, to marry you whenever that might be, I don't give a shit how scary it is I want to experience it all with you" putting her heart once again on the line for the blonde trauma surgeon.  
She's putting it out there.

 

Out there for me.  
Again.  
She did it all those years ago and she's here doing it again.  
Asking that I go through the scary times with her.  
Because she's scared too.  
But she's not letting that stop her be with me.  
Because her love for me is stronger and bigger than her fear.  
And is asking me to do the same.  
To take her hand and be scared together.  
Do it together.  
Together like we've wanted for years.  
And now we're free.  
Free to do this.  
To be together.  
Take the risk Bernie.  
Now is the one chance you get.  
The one chance at the life you've always wanted.  
The life with Alex.  
Your soul mate.  
The only woman for you.  
The one.  
Take it Wolfe.

 

"And I want you, all of it with you, yeah I'm scared shitless but I don't want that to stop me anymore, it's taken too much away already, and I've lost enough, but I can't let it take you away, I can't, I want to be scared with you Alex, I love you...I've always loved you, I've never stopped" her voice trembling with emotion as the tears finally broke through the barrier and made their way down Bernie's cheeks, the trauma surgeon betraying her usual stiff upper lip reserve and giving in to the swell of emotions and feelings of having the woman of her dreams stood in front of her asking her to just be herself and take the chance, let them be scared together, that she just wanted Bernie, all of her, flaws and all.  
Hearing the declaration of love from the blonde in front of her, Alex released their hands, launching herself into the small remaining gap between them both, dissolving it, her hands cupping the blonde's cheeks and pressing their lips together, immediately feeling one of Bernie's hands in her hair at the back of her neck and the other cupping her cheek, a warm tongue suddenly against hers causing the blonde to give a soft sigh at the feeling, pulling herself closer, if that was possible, to the brunette, grabbing for her, pulling at her, wanting to feel the other woman against her, close to her, her body against hers, no one mattered right now, in this moment, no one but Alex, it had always been Alex, always would be Alex, she just wanted her, no one else, just Alex.


	16. Chapter 16

Sensual.  
Close.  
Intimate.  
Sexy.  
Pleasure.  
Tingling.  
Warm bodies.  
Back arching.  
Sheet fisting.  
Breathless.

 

Just a few of the things the blonde was currently feeling, her head swimming with all good things she was currently feeling, her back arching even more, one hand grabbing the bed sheet underneath her, whilst the other grabbed a fistful of brown hair of the woman who was currently settled between her legs bringing her untold amounts of pleasure.  
Alex.  
Then it began.  
The tightening of her walls around the couple of digits that were pumping and making a come hither motion against one of the most, if not the most sensitive patch of ribbed skin inside her.  
A skilful tongue lapping at the throbbing pearl between her legs, throbbing and almost screaming for release, release that she knew and had always known that only the brunette elicited from her, no one else knew what to do like Alex.  
The way the brunette had been pleasured by the blonde and then took over, took over the blonde and her pleasure, had taken her time covering every inch of skin with her kisses and touch, not a patch had been neglected and forgotten, coming back up Bernie's body every now and then to exchange passionate kisses, brush their tongues together and then she was back down her body covering her skin, having ended up eventually where she was now, setting Bernie's entire being on fire, the blonde feeling her body tensing up, heating up, causing her to moan out into her bedroom, feeling her breathing getting more rapid as she felt the impending orgasm incoming, felt it catching up to her with every thrust of Alex's fingers inside her, every swipe of her tongue over her clit, oh fuck how she was so good at this.  
"A...Alex I'm g...go.." Bernie moaned, not fully able to vocalised the overwhelming pleasure she was currently feeling.  
"Come" Alex purred softly against the bundle of nerves at the tip of tongue and lips, the vibration from the single word enough to push her fully over the edge and down the apex of her orgasm, her back arching on the bed, pushing her hips into Alex's face, not that they weren't already, calling out the brunette's name, hands fisting the sheet and Alex's hair, this combination of things causing Alex to smile widely, her head still in one of her favourite places, between Bernie's legs, swiping her tongue over the abundance of arousal and wetness, the body beneath her jerking at the touch, literally sensitive to the touch, very sensitive.  
Chuckling lightly to herself, Alex made her way back up the blonde's body, kissing a path up and over her skin as she did, laying at Bernie's side and propping herself up on her elbow, gazing over the other woman, this other woman currently flat on her back on the bed, her eyes closed and chest heaving, trying to catch her breath, a sheen of sweat from her hips all the way to her hair line.

 

Yep I did that.  
I caused that.  
I also caused her to be in this state.  
Those noises.  
That smell.  
Her smell.  
Her thighs on either side of my head.  
Hips bucking into my face.  
Her arousal on my lips, my tongue.  
The way it floods my hand as she comes.  
Oh fuck when she comes.  
Fuck it's something else.

 

Eventually hazel eyes were revealed, a flush to either of her cheeks, smiling widely as she turned her head to look at the brunette, the woman who'd been the cause of her being led here just like this, a state she didn't mind at all, something she'd not felt in such a long time, not since the last time she and Alex had been close, been intimate, there had been no one else since the brunette, she didn't want anyone else to touch her, to kiss her, to be this close to her, there was only the one person, the one woman she wanted this close and she was led next to her right now.  
"Hello" Alex smirked, seeing the wide smile on Bernie's face, the sparkle in her hazel eyes and then the half roll towards the brunette which Alex spotted and quickly reacted to, her arms wrapping around the blonde, pulling Bernie on top of her as she led on her back, this move making Bernie chuckle at how quick her lover reacted, the way Alex's arms fit around her so well, the feel of their bodies together, skin on skin, breasts against breasts, her own arms tucked close to her body, but with enough space to be able to reach and touch Alex's face as she led on top of her, gazing at her.  
"Hi" Bernie smiled, pressing her lips against the other woman's and then pulling back to look at her, feeling hands stroking the base of her back.  
"You're gorgeous" Alex murmured, green eyes raking over Bernie's face, unable to take her eyes off the other woman, she never could, even when they'd first been introduced and paired up in the army she'd immediately found the blonde attractive, it had been instant, something she'd never experienced before, of course she'd thought other women were good looking but not like her, not like Major Wolfe, there was just something about her, something she couldn't quite put her finger on, she had a steady nature but then was shy at the same time, she wasn't very open, but then seemed to want to be close, open but then rather closed too, happy from the outside but seemed sad on the inside.

 

Giving a little shy laugh Bernie dipped her eyes from Alex's, this action quickly being reversed by the fingers of Alex's right hand under her chin reconnecting their eyes, the pad of the brunette's thumb stroking the blonde's chin, smiling as she felt hands on either side of her face, fingers cupping her behind her ears, thumbs stroking just in front of her ears, gentle thumbs, Bernie's thumbs, this being something Bernie had done years ago, army years ago, something she did when they were alone and she said she wanted to look at Alex, look at her because she found her stunning and very nice to look at, the brunette having been taken a little aback at first at not being use to these words being used to describe her, especially from a woman she found utterly gorgeous.  
"And you're stunning" Bernie whispered lovingly, smiling as she said the words, hoping and trusting that Alex remembered the moments before when she'd said them, a wide smile spreading across the brunette's face letting Bernie know that she definitely remembered.  
Cupping Bernie's face with the hand that was near her chin, Alex brought their faces even closer together, her green eyes drinking in the blonde, unable to get enough of her, loving their closeness.  
"You've no idea how much I've missed you" seeing Bernie lean her own head passed Alex's head and move her lips near her ear.  
"Oh I do because I've missed you even more sweetheart" kissing the shell of her ear gently, wanting to convey the fact that she'd missed the other woman more than Alex could ever know, the yearning she did from the very night Alex had left her stood in that empty hospital side room, taking half of her heart when she did, the half that the brunette had taken from the moment they were paired together in the army together, a woman who'd grabbed and held her attention like no one else had before, a woman who seemed to be the opposite of her, open, friendly, comfortable in who she was, physically expressive of how she felt especially towards Bernie, Alex did it with such ease, an ease that was now becoming easier for the blonde, something she found herself liking doing, liking doing and showing with Alex, there was something about the other woman that just got Bernie, understood her and despite all that they'd been through still got and wanted her, some higher power had granted Bernie another shot with Alex, decided that she deserved this, that they deserved this, they deserved to be together and be happy together, they'd waited rather a long time and now it was time to be happy together and by god did the brunette do this for the blonde, ten times over.

 

Alex cuddled Bernie close as she heard the words, smiling broadly to herself, believing every one of them, every single one, closing her eyes as she breathed in the scent of the woman in her arms, the sweet smell of her skin, the way her frame fit perfectly in her arms, her own arms wrapping perfectly around this frame, like two pieces of a jigsaw.  
"I love you" came the whisper into Alex's ear, dripping with the love she wanted to convey to the other woman, this was one of the places people feel most vulnerable, in bed, naked, with their partners, wives and husbands, and this was true for Bernie but it was also where she felt the most safe, it always had, when she was cuddled and snuggled, naked into Alex, or when she was holding Alex, as long as Alex was with her like this then that was totally fine, she'd never been one for sleeping naked and definitely not with anyone else, but now, well now she did, now she loved it, it was one of her most favourite things in the world, with her favourite person in the world.  
"And I love you too" Alex whispered lovingly back as she squeezed Bernie's body tighter against her own, breathing in her scent, as if she was consuming her, never wanting to let her go, feeling in this moment that they'd made a breakthrough, that the conflict of the past few days had gone and they'd started a clean slate with a new understanding and agreement of them both, a new bond, a stronger bond, a steadier foundation, one they could both start on from here on in, together.


	17. Chapter 17

There was always something nice about being able to have the person you loved at work with you, getting that opportunity to drive to work with them and see them in the same building and space that you were in, Bernie was fortunate that this was her today and for the next few weeks due to Alex having been asked to work in Holby for an extended period of time due to a staff shortage up on Keller and she had the skills they needed and wanted to work on the ward.  
The two women had come in together, sharing a coffee in Pulses before kissing and going their separate ways, Bernie letting the brunette know she'd be in surgery most of the day but would meet her on Keller at the end of their shifts and maybe they could do something or go somewhere together if they wanted and weren't too tired, Alex saying it sounded like a lovely idea, especially given the past few weeks of rocky communication they'd just gotten away from.

 

With the morning starting rather calm and normal for both women on their wards, this soon turned into a frantic rush for the brunette with her other colleagues into theatre when one of their high risk patients took a turn for the worst and the only option left was to try and operate, try and save them from the massive aneurysm that had burst and was now refusing to stem, something they'd been aware of but had by the patients request not been allowed to operate on earlier, the man telling them that he didn't want it, didn't want any of it, that he'd be fine because he felt fine, this going right against the advice of the couple of senior doctors treating him on Keller, Alex tried to advise him to, letting him know that his situation could be fatal if it decided to burst, yet still he refused the treatment, unable to refuse said treatment when the monitors started beeping furiously and he lost consciousness in his bed, nurses and doctors running to his bedside and quickly deciding it was an emergency surgery case, sprinting through to the theatre as fast as they could with the trolley, battling until the end to try and save him, but due to how long he'd resisted the treatment it'd been fatal, fatal enough that they had to make a decision to stop and declare him deceased on the operating table hours after he'd been wheeled in there.

 

Making her way into Keller ward Bernie glanced around at the calm and quiet ward, walking up to the nurse's station, finding only Dr Copeland sat doing some paperwork, looking up as he saw her coming towards him.  
"Dr Copeland do you know where Dr Dawson is, I can't seem to find her and her shift finished five minutes ago" immediately noticing a certain expression on his face, a sad expression. "What?" she frowned.   
"She's not long ran out..." he started, immediately seeing Bernie's frown deepen, a flash of concern grace her features.  
"Ran out, what do you mean ran out? Dr Copeland what do you mean ran out?!" her tone changing when he didn't answer her question straight away, her mind thinking of various possibilities.  
"She ran out of the ward in tears, we've not long lost a patient, a high risk patient, one that refused surgery on a touch and go huge aneurysm, he refused it regardless of advice from me, Sacha and Alex, a couple of other doctors too, and then it burst and we rushed him into surgery but there was nothing we could do. She was in bits after this, quickly left the theatre and then ran out of the ward in tears, but I don't know where too" he explained, watching the blonde in front of him turn on her heels and dash out of the ward, her mind racing with where the brunette could have gone.

 

Well she's not taken her bag or coat from her locker if she's ran out in tears.  
Think Bernie think.  
She's ran out of the main doors.  
Ran out to where.  
Think.  
Alex in tears.  
Upset.  
Distressed.  
Where would she go?  
What kind of place.  
Come on Bernie.  
You know this woman.  
You know what she's like.  
How she responds.  
Where would she want to go.  
Quiet.  
She'd want to go somewhere quiet.  
Quiet and empty.  
Where there's not many people.  
Where is there such a place near here.  
Think.  
Garden.  
The peace garden.  
She's got to have gone there.  
She wouldn't go to the roof.  
She's got to have gone to the garden.

 

Not bothering with the lift due to it taking too long in this sort of situation, the blonde bolted down the stairs and then to the main doors, apologising to a member of staff she nearly knocked over in her rush, running down the ramp and then across the car park, around the side of the building, ceasing her running to catch her breath for a few seconds, her eyes searching the area around her for any sign of the brunette but not seeing anything.  
Making her way into the garden and seeing an empty bench, her ears were drawn to another sound, a sound she knew wasn't coming from the hospital or the cars in the car park, a sound that hurt her, cut her deep inside, crying, no it was more than crying, it was sobbing, heavy sobbing and it was coming from behind one of the neatly trimmed hedges off to the side of the garden.  
Slowly making her way across the concrete seating area, she crept around the side of the bench and to the sound, rounding the side of the hedge and then looking down, the sight before her making her swallow hard.   
It was Alex.  
Alex sat on the grass, her back against the hedge, head in her hands, sobbing heartily, the distress of the brunette clear to see as well as hear, moving closer to her Bernie knelt down next to her, gently touching her fingers to the closest hand of the other woman, the touch making Alex jump, eyes wide and red from tears as she saw who it was.

 

"Sweetheart" the only word Bernie managed to say before the brunette grabbed for her, collapsing into her arms, heart breaking sobs starting again, Bernie wrapping her arms around her and sitting on the grass with the brunette in her embrace, her face against Bernie's shoulder, hands grabbing the blonde's t shirt wanting to be as close to Bernie as was physically possible.  
"Shhh it's alright, it's all alright, I'm here, I've got you" she soothed, her hand smoothing up and down Alex's scrub top, feeling the younger woman trembling as she sobbed.  
"I...I should've done something more, I let him down, and then he...then he.." not being able to say the word died, screwing her eyes up and letting out a pained noise as she sobbed, the noise enough for Bernie to close her own eyes.  
"You did everything you could for him, you know what some patients are like, it doesn't matter how many doctors and nurses tell them what's best for them, some just don't listen and then unfortunately when something happens like this occasion, it's too late. We can't force someone to take a certain treatment or medicine or operation, even though we as doctors know it's the best thing to help them, it's up to them to make that decision. This was not your fault, not your fault at all, you did everything you possibly could, you gave him every option and piece of advice, the rest was his own decision. It wasn't your fault, nothing in this is down to you, don't you ever think that, you're an amazing and caring doctor, one of the best there has ever been here" placing a gently kiss on the top of Alex's head, squeezing the woman in her arms and holding her against her, saying nothing as they both sat there on the grass, not needing to say anything, knowing that the brunette didn't need any words right now she just needed to be held, held until she settled and calmed down, that Alex needed to release this emotion from her system, to help soothe herself this way.

 

After an indefinite amount of time of them both being sat in the same spot, Bernie's grip still around the younger woman she felt the brunette start to settle down and calm down, her breathing evening out a little more, her sobs not as severe as before.  
"I'm taking you home with me" Bernie whispered, being greeted with Alex's tear stained and tired face looking into her eyes.  
"What?" she croaked back, frowning a little.  
"You're coming home with me, no arguments, I'm going to look after you, so I'm taking you home with me tonight" the blonde repeated, keeping the brunette close as she slowly stood up with her, her arms around her. "I'll walk you to my car and then I'll quickly nip back to the ward to get your bag and coat, then we'll go back to mine, ok?" seeing Alex nod, starting to head out of the garden and to the car park where her car was parked.


End file.
